Sunday, August 1, 2010

We're HOME and absolutely thrilled!

Well, it's been about a month since I've been on here. Sorry, y'all. We drove for a full week, stayed in hotels for 2 weeks, then were finally able to move into our house on the 19th. We don't close until the 4th (James' birthday), but we did an early move in. We LOVE, LOVE, LOVE our home. And what a tremendous blessing it is to be with friends (who are pretty much family) again.

The boys are adjusting well ... so well that Peyton decided to christen our pool the first night we were here ... smiling huge the whole time. Little stink pot! Cam is still really scared of the pool but we are working on it. He's definitely making progress but I don't see him swimming without holding onto someone for a while. That's fine with me! :)

James is enjoying his new job. Less stress = Happy James and Lauren! :)

Although I am loving being here, I can't help but think of the reason we are here. We're here because of Reagan. I constantly pray that God will take away the pain ... that He'll continue to reveal to me why she had to go home so early. So many questions fill my mind ... so many things I want answers to that I very well may never have answers to. Our perfect, precious little girl was only physically with us 4 hours and 41 minutes but is carried with us every day. I love being able to tell people about her ... about how amazing she was is; how much of a fighter she was and how she defied the odds in so many ways.

Reagan - Mommy and Daddy love you more than you will ever know. I love to think about the soft, chubby cheeks you had; the beautiful thick black hair that covered your tiny little head; your nose that looked just like your brother's; your tiny, perfect, unique little feet. Baby girl, you were perfect in every possible way.  I can't imagine you being any more beautiful. You will always be our baby girl.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

A New Start

I have been saying this a lot lately - but, yet again, sorry for slacking. I promise I have great intentions and there is so much I want to write ... so much I want to tell y'all. There are so many changes going on in our lives right now; good things, great things.

We're moving! We're leaving California and are on to bigger and better places. :) We have a contract on a BEAUTIFUL home and we're so excited. It's the first home that we've ever owned and we couldn't be more thrilled with it! It's a humanitarian move (the military allows these moves when you have a tragedy) so it's happened very quick ... almost too quick! I'm not complaining though. The Lord knows we need a fresh start. I personally need away from all of the memories here. I am ready to go on with life. I want to live normally ... as normal as I possibly can without having our precious baby girl. Every time I walk in Peyton's room I think about how it was going to be Reagan's room...

Our house is completely packed. We seriously have mountains of boxes in our house and the boys are determined to climb them. Praise God that the movers are coming bright and early in the morning to take it all away! I don't know how much access I'll have to the Internet for the next two weeks but I'll try my darnedest to get on here and update y'all! :) Pray for us ... we've got some traveling to do with two youngins and two dogs. Let the fun begin! ;)

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

One of those days ...

Today was "one of those days" ... ya know the ones I'm talking about. Little man, Peyton, was up all throughout the night (cutting those fun molars), resulting in mommy being up with him.  When he finally decided to calm down, I went back to bed and slept really well for about 3 hours. I was then awoken to a sweet little voice saying, "Mommy, it's time to wake up. The moon went night-night and the sun is shining!" Yea, I definitely didn't want to get out of bed. So, being the tired mommy I was, I did the big "no no" and let Cam watch cartoons in our bed while I attempted to get some more sleep. I would fall asleep only to be awoken by him playing with my hair (aka - yanking my hair out), rolling on my face, jumping on the bed ... ya know, the normal stuff. Then my cell phone was ringing off the hook. Who would know I was so popular?! ;)

Peyton woke up drenched in pee. I'm not just talking his diaper ... we're talking from the top of his pj's to pretty much the bottom. He wears night time diapers ... the kid obviously has some great functioning kidneys! Praise God!!! So, lucky guy got a morning bath, too! I got him dressed, fed him breakfast, and no sooner did I feed him one bite and he had jelly on his outfit. Smart thinking on my end to dress him FIRST and then feed him. I'm going to blame the no thinking part on lack of sleep ... so just go with me on it! :) Oh well! I had a doctors appointment in an hour so we had to get scottin.

No sooner did I get in the bath when P took a cup (compliments of his brother; it was the big gulp kind) He filled up the whole cup and dumped it on his head.  He was now SOAKED and we had to leave in 15 minutes. After the dumping incident, he was taking anything he could find under my bathroom counter and throwing it in the bathtub, even with me constantly telling him sternly "NO". Yea, the kid's not phased! ;) As I was getting out of the bath, I noticed that the song on the radio was one I had never heard before. It's always on the same station, Air 1 (a christian station), so I was thinking to myself, "Hmm, starting to add in Spanish songs, too, eh?" before I realized my cleaning lady changed the channel the day before while she was here cleaning. I had just gone my whole bath without realizing I was listening to Latino music!!!! Seriously, folks ... the radio was loud. That just goes to show what chaos was going on in my bathroom! ;)

We went to our appointments - one of which they specifically told me NOT to use my GPS because it would get me lost. They said to use their directions so, being the good person that I am, I listened. Man, what was I thinking?!?! My GPS was RIGHT and their directions were SOOOOOOOO off! I love driving circles in the middle of no where! ;) After our appointments, we ran our errands, and made it home without too much mayhem.

When we got home the boys were exhausted and in desparate need of naps. I changed P's diaper and was about to take him to bed when the phone rang.  I let him play on the floor for a minute while I was on the phone. No sooner did I put him down and I could smell the most awful smell ever. I was trying to concentrate on the person on the phone but, y'all, it was just nasty. Cam came running over to me informing me that Peyton had pooped and it was "horrible". Oh goodness. Then there was laundry to do, dishes to be washed, dinner to be made, toys to be picked up, and all the other stuff a mommy does ... but I'm thankful for it all. I'm thankful that I'm ABLE to do it all!

Well, this was my day .... but I'm thankful for it. I'm thankful for healthy kids who drive me crazy. I'm thankful they're healthy to where they CAN drive me crazy! :) We're blessed!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Forgiveness ...

To be honest, I wasn't planning on posting tonight. So much happened tonight at our meeting ... so much was said. I was going to crawl in bed and pass out ... but then I thought of y'all - the people who have been praying for us and encouraging us for months now and wanted to let y'all know what happened. A LOT was said ... so I am going to give y'all the edited version. James says it's not possible for me to give "edited" versions ... so we shall see! :)

Our meeting was scheduled for 5:15 in one of the conference rooms of the hospital. James and I got there 15 minutes early with no clue of how to get where we were supposed to be. One of my  nurses, Liza, was in the lobby (she actually didn't recognize me at first with makeup!) and gave me a hug. She asked how I was doing and then called the nursing supervisor to find out where we were supposed to be going. Karen, head of L&d, came down and took us to the room where we would be meeting. Since we were early, Dr. C and Mandy (my nurse) still weren't there. I was disappointed to find out that Annie, one of my other nurses that was going to be there, couldn't make it at last minute. They said she felt so bad and really wanted to be there. Normally I would feel like they were probably just making an excuse but Annie's just not like that ... she's just plain wonderful. We talked with all the supervisors for about 15 minutes ... actually, James did more talking than I did. Every time I heard the door open my heart would skip a beat. I was terrified it was Dr. C. James sensed how anxious I was and suggested we move seats to where we were no where near her when she walked in the room. I was really thankful he did that ... I wanted to be as far away from her as possible.

The time came, just a little after 5:15. I heard that peppy voice. Honestly, the woman must have been a cheerleader in high school. I'm not meaning that ugly, I promise I'm not ... she just has one of those voices. I looked at James, he could see the terror in my eyes, then terror soon becoming tears. He scooted his chair closer to mine to try and reassure me it was okay. Dr. C and Mandy walked in the room at the same time, Mandy sitting next to James, Dr. C across the room. They informed us this was our meeting, to start however we would like. I just blurted out, "I am so angry with you. I have never hurt so bad in my life." Just with those two sentences my face was filled with tears, my lips trembling, and words were almost impossible to speak. She simply said, "Okay, sure." It meant nothing to her ... it was as though I told her the sky was blue. I told her exactly how I felt ... nothing that I haven't written on here. I never once yelled or raised my voice, but I did sob. She seemed so cold and as though she didn't care. She went round and round with us. Telling us that she was "almost certain" if she would have come in and checked me while I was in labor I would have wound up in the OR. She said that their practice has never seen a patient so selfless; a patient who would endure so much pain, make so many life changes, and just go above and beyond for a baby who had been given such grim chances. It wasn't that she was paying me a compliment ... it was more of an insult, or so it seemed.

James straight up asked her what all medication she gave me and her answer was "extreme amounts of morphine." He asked her again and I cut her off by saying, "AND ambien, phenergan,  and vistaril." She agreed, saying that I had a ton of drugs in me, to the point where she started to worry about what it was doing to "the baby."  She kept going on her soap box, saying she purposely lives within walking distance of the hospital so she can get there in emergencies. I was in labor for 19 hours and 19 minutes. Please tell me how that isn't an emergency when you're not even 29 weeks?!  I asked why she wouldn't come to the hospital to even talk to me or to check me and she kept going back to "you wanted everything to be done for her and we would have wound up in the OR if I would have come." James got beyond frustrated and laid it out for her, explaining that all she needed to do was to come to the hospital and talk to us about how she was handling my labor. This whole time she's saying, "Yea, sure." At one point James said, "Don't say 'sure', say you should have come!! You should have made those decisions with us, not by yourself!"  She FINALLY said, "I could have come." Not, SHOULD, but COULD.

She kept going back to the fact that if she would have come in that night I would have gone to the OR for an emergency Classic (up and down) c-section. I'm positive I wouldn't. Want to know why?  If she would have walked in my room and told me that they were only going to do it to get me out of pain I would have said HECK NO. I broke down bawling and told her that I will do ANYTHING for my kids. If it meant that I had to go through the most horrid labor ever with Reagan, so be it. I did it and I would do it again if I had to. Dr. C said she had never seen such an excruating labor as mine and didn't know if she came in my room that night if she would have been able to continue and let me labor in so much pain. Last I checked, that would have been my decision to make. Yes, I had never felt pain like that before in my life (they said a lot of the pain was because of the herniated discs) but, if she would have come and talked to me saying the meds could be hurting Reagan, I would have told them to take me off everything that very second. My kids are my world. If you know me, you know that's the truth.

At the end, I looked her in the eye and told her that I've allowed to her steal too much of my joy, I've let her consume my life the past 2 months and I was done with it. I've been so angry with her, but I choose to forgive her. I forgive the pain she's caused. The hurt is still there ... it's definitely still there ... but only time will heal that. I don't like her, but I love her. She smiled and then was very quick to get out of the room. Mandy gave me a huge hug and we were able to talk some .... and that was our meeting.

I'm not reading back through this, I don't want to go through it again. So, please forgive me if it makes no sense, has major run ons, has horrible grammar, etc. I really don't plan on reading through this ever again ... so, if it has errors, please try and read over them! :)

Thank y'all for caring, thank y'all for your support. And thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers for today. Y'all thought I was kidding when I was talking about cancelling. I wasn't. But God got ahold of my heart and showed me how badly I needed this. Thank you for loving us ...

Monday, June 21, 2010

Tomorrow is the day ...

I thought time would drag before the 22nd got here ... I thought I would have all the time in the world to write down what I wanted to say to this woman. It didn't, I didn't. Tomorrow is the day. The day I am so badly dreading. A huge part of me is wanting to cancel this meeting. I don't want to see this woman; I don't want to be at the hospital; I don't want to breathe in the all-too-familiar smell of this hospital that brought so much pain. But then I remember ... it wasn't ALL bad. I was able to get to know my baby girl for those days I laid in that bed. The fact she knew when the monitor was coming and would decide to "run" from it ... :). That I was able to birth her naturally and hold her perfect 2 pound 12 oz body in my arms. I was drugged beyond imagination but, only by Gods grace, I remember EVERY second with Reagan. I don't remember much of that night ... but I remember our time with her!!
  I also had some amazing nurses at this hospital. Actually, for those who know me, this probably won't surprise you at all ... but I actually made friends with my housekeepers. :) Great nurses, CNA's, Housekeepers ... they made those 40+ days do-able. They were shoulders to cry on when the reality of what we were facing was just too much. They came in and talked about life ... their life, my life, our families ... they were friends ... not just my nurses. They came in and stole my candy and snacks from care packages, my VS PINK lotion (no joke, they were in my room constantly stealing my lotion!:) ... I say that because they were comfortable with me. They knew it was okay ... we were friends. If you know me, I'm sarcastic as all get out but have such a sensitive heart. These women touched my heart in a way that I can never pay back. They will always hold such a special place in my heart and I pray they know what blessings they were to me. Two of those amazing nurses are going to be in this meeting with us tomorrow. Not because they have to be ... but because they want to support James and I.  Seriously, folks ... they work with this doctor every day and they are going to be in there to support US! Thank you, God, for blessings all around.

This is the last time we'll every see this woman and I WILL forgive her. My flesh wants her to hurt like I do but I am SO TIRED of hurting. I know healing won't come until I can let go of this anger ... until I can forgive Dr. C. She's taken so much from my family and it stops here, it stops now. I'm going to speak my peace with her tomorrow; I'm going to tell her the pain she's caused. Please pray for us like you've never prayed before. I want to go in there screaming and yelling at her but, if I do, it makes me no better than her. Please pray for peace, wisdom ... please pray for Christ to speak through us instead of James and I speaking in our flesh. The thought of seeing her brings tears to my eyes, makes my heart race, and makes me feel like I am going to throw up. I have truly never hurt like this and I NEED peace ...

Saturday, June 12, 2010


Wow, folks. I added the tracker last night, not because I was in desperate need of knowing how many people were visiting our site, it was simply because I thought it was neat to see how many people are reading about our Reagan. It does my heart good to know that y'all, (and please forgive me for constantly referring to you guys as y'all but, one: I'm a southern girl and, 2: I'm almost certain I don't personally know many of you ... however, I am beyond grateful for each and every one of you!!!!!) care about our sweet girl and want to know how we're doing. What love we've been shown; by smiles, shoulders to cry on; meals brought to us; cards; gifts; phone calls; prayer rings beautifully decorated; friends flying cross country to be with us; friends making Reagan's programs and announcements; emails; Reagan's baby book made for us; a necklace made just for Reagan that I wear every day; and I could keep going on and on and on. If you are reading this, YOU are such a blessing to our family. I may not personally know you but we've definitely felt your prayers throughout the months and are humbled you would take your time out for us. THANK YOU!!!

Now, it's time to go get the sick little man. Daddy goes to work and suddenly everyone becomes so needy. I wouldn't have it any other way, though! My little (and big) men are my world and I am more and more in love with them everyday!! And our little girl, well, she's the jewel of my eye ... watching down on us until we're with her again ...

Friday, June 11, 2010

For Once, I'm at a loss for words ...

Thursday morning I received a phone call; the voice on the other end of the phone was one I knew very well, one which has brought much comfort on many occasions. It was our beloved Dr. V. His opening line, "Lauren, It's Dr. V. How are you doing, my dear?" Such love, such concern ... such peace. He was just calling to see how we were doing. That's it. No strings attached; nothing else. Very much unlike his partner, Dr. C.

Three weeks ago I called their office in need of a prescription refill. The receptionist told me it would get approved by the doctor and then get sent off to the pharmacy. Imagine my shock when the phone rang, caller id showing the name of their practice, two hours later (their office should have been closed). I hesitantly answered the phone to a voice that made my blood pressure rise to unhealthy levels. It was her ... THE doctor. I could hear that big ole' smile on her face again, and the uncertainty in her mind as to why I was so apprehensive to talk to her. She told me that normally doctors don't call back on prescription refills but she really wanted to talk to me. Oh, how sweet of her ...

Dr. C said she had been thinking about me a lot; thinking about my case, how much she's learned and the things she should have done differently. I immediately jumped down her throat. The right thing to do? Probably not. I kinda laughed at her ... that she said she learned so much from our case. SERIOUSLY?! She did NOTHING! She asked me to meet with her, one on one. She wanted to have an informal meeting where I could tell her exactly how I felt; I told her I couldn't promise not to yell and scream and she said that was perfectly fine and totally understandable. The word "lawsuit" got brought up ... I told her if we were any different we would be suing her for every cent she has but we're just not like that. Money won't bring our baby girl back. I DON'T care about her money. I just can't stomach the thought of her touching another baby or pregnant woman. God has to work on my heart. She said she would have her nurse call me the following Monday to schedule a day for us to meet. Well, do you think she called? NO, SHE DIDN'T!!!!!!!!! I was SICK about it. She just wanted to make sure we weren't going to sue her (cause she knows we have complete grounds) and then blew us off.

So, now I'm back to Dr. V. I shouldn't have ... but I did. He asked how I was doing. I got upset, really upset. I told him about Dr. C. What she did to us in the hospital, how she called and then never called back, etc. I told him how disgusted I was with her and how I was just going to sit down and write her a letter. I told him I couldn't do it now because it was going to be the most hateful/hurtful thing I have ever written in my life. He said, "WRITE IT!" "Write it now ... if you don't feel comfortable sending it, keep it on your desk for a week. Re-write it from the original. Keep doing that until you feel it's right and then send it. She needs to know how you feel." We spoke for 20 minutes. He is such a genuine man. One of those men that walks in the room and brings immediate peace. Someone you know you can trust with not just your life, but also your children's. He goes above and beyond for his patients and I have never been more impressed with a doctor. His last words to me with our conversation were, "I really hope to see you and James again, my dear. Please tell James I said Hello."

Well, another huge shock was when I got a call yesterday from the hospital where I delivered Reagan. It was the head of L&D calling me. Apparently Dr. V went to her and made sure there WOULD be a meeting with Dr. C and us with hospital leadership there. I wasn't sure about this "meeting" ... I could go the rest of my life without seeing her face and it would still be too soon. I know so many people say that but I completely mean it. I have been praying and praying for God to help me forgive this woman ... to give me guidance, wisdom, forgiveness ... and then this opportunity pops up. Is it going to be hard? I can only imagine. We will be back at the hospital I spent nearly 40 days in, where Reagan was born, where Reagan passed away ... but I know that, with God's grace, we'll be okay. Two of my precious nurses are going to be in the meeting with us for support and I can't thank them enough for that.

Our meeting is the 22nd at 5:15. Please pray for our hearts leading up to this meeting and please pray for us during this meeting. I need to get how I feel out. I can't live like this forever but I also have to show her love. How do I show her love when I absolutely can't stand the woman?!?! This is my struggle and would truly cherish your prayers!!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Snugglin' Reagan's 'Kitty Cat' ... because it somehow makes me feel better ...

We're slowly on the mend to everyone being healthy again ... we've definitely had a run for it! And, just because I hold nothing back on here (well, if you really get down to it, in life!) I've been struggling bad this week. I've been so depressed ... like the kind of depressed where you lay in bed with your kids until you HAVE to get out of bed for something, depressed. The boys watch cartoons and we play in our bed ... and they LOVE it (because it's something new to them) ... but it makes me feel like the worst mom in the world. Lifting my head requires more energy than I have these past few days. What the heck is wrong with me?????

I struggle with ADD and my doctor put me on a new medication on Friday. I told him my history with ritatlin and how it was HORRIBLE for me. He said he wanted to try me on Concerta and said the only differences in Adderall and Concerta were how long they lasted. No joke .... within hours of taking the stuff, I had hit rock bottom. I kept taking it through the weekend, bawling the whole time. Called the clinic first thing Monday morning and told them I couldn't take it anymore and the nurse said the doctor would call me back later in the day. I did my research that day on the medication AND it turns out that Concerta is ritalin based! SERIOUSLY?! I was soooooo upset! So, once I get out of this HORRIBLE funk, I will start writing again.  Honestly, I haven't felt like this since we lost our precious baby girl... it's bad. I would really appreciate prayers! Love y'all! :)

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Ack! I'm horrible ...

So, my whole thing of "posting once a week" didn't exactly work out this past week. Things have been crazy; babies have been sick; this momma had a (not so) fun trip to the er and (daily) trips to the clinic on base for a week; and now Peyton has some nasty virus. I haven't forgotten, I promise!

My GOAL is to post more tonight once my little men are in bed ... we'll see how that works out! Thanks for y'alls patience and continued prayers, support and encouragement. It's still so hard to believe our baby girl is gone ... but we're thankful for our time with her, thankful that God's plan and vision is bigger AND better than ours, and excited for the things to come.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I'm Finally doing this ...

Today, May 26th, was the day I was scheduled to have our Reagan. She would have been 34 weeks today and doctors didn't think it would be safe to allow her to stay in the womb any longer. Well, y'all already know that she didn't make it to today ... she's celebrating with Jesus, instead!

I figured that I have been putting off writing this for as long as possible. I just have to suck it up, quit trying to protect this doctor, and not worry if I come off vulnerable. This is hard for me to think about (I think about this 24/7 but always random thoughts.) Bare with me ...

I went to the bathroom at 11:40 on Thursday morning, April 15th, when I started bleeding. I walked back to my bed (stupid me should have just pulled the cord in the bathroom) and called for my nurse telling them I was bleeding. 3 nurses ran in my room in no time, put me on the monitors, looked and checked for blood, but we're allowed to check me. Since I was ruptured, doctors/nurses weren't allowed to check me at all my whole time there.

Contractions started in around 11:45. They were painful but nothing I couldn't bare. My nurses were telling me Reagan looked great on the monitor and wasn't showing any stress when I had contractions. The contractions continued throughout the day, gradually getting worse. Around 6:00 that night they were really getting painful. I stuck it out until around 8 before I was literally screaming with every contraction. Now, before you think I'm a total wimp, let me say this ... I've had 2 other kids, had both of them vaginally, and never once screamed while in pain. I was even on strong petocin with Cam and that stuff hurts! So, for me to be screaming this time around HAD to mean something. They were coming every 2 minutes and would last for a little over a minute each. One of my precious nurses came in and said the doctor said she wouldn't stop my labor but wanted to give me a "cocktail" to try and calm me down. It was a morphine shot, morphine in my iv, ambien, vistaril, and phenergan. She gave me that same cocktail THREE times in SEVEN hours!  I BEGGED for someone to check me, going as far as telling them I would sign a waiver saying I wouldn't sue if I got an infection. The doctor REFUSED. She wouldn't let them touch me!! So, I had my wonderful nurses taking turns coming in, counting through contractions with me, rubbing my back, doing anything they could to try and make me comfortable.

I kept requesting an epidural but this same *wonderful* doctor said I wasn't allowed to have one with my pre-existing back condition. Well, I had news for her. I had that same "pre-existing"  back condition when I had both the boys and I was ABLE to have an epidural with both of them. My nurses called and told her that (cause, yea, she NEVER ONCE even came into the hospital!) and I never heard about the epidural again.

L&D came to my room 3 separate times to "check me" but weren't given the okay to do so until the 2nd time around. I was dilated to 2 and 80% effaced. I just remember sobbing, screaming, and telling my nurses it was too early for her to come. I kept asking them to stop my labor even though I knew they couldn't. I called James at 4:40 in the morning on the 16th to tell him what was going on. I don't remember much of the conversation ... I know I told him to pack a bag for the boys and try and find someone to watch the boys. He asked if he needed to go to the hospital right then (since we live an hour away) but my nurses (speaking from my doctor) said no.

The pain was becoming excruciating and all I could focus on was keeping her IN. You know, normally you have to focus on pushing. No, not with Reagan. All of a sudden I felt horrid pressure and told my nurse. She called L&D again (yet again, there were no orders for them to check me so the L&D nurse told my night nurse to call the doc. and tell her to either get her butt in there or she was going to check me against orders.) The nurse went ahead and checked me and I was at 7.5 and 100% effaced. It was a mad dash in my room from that point. They had to take me off the bed in my room and put me on a different bed. To tell you what a huge rush it was, one of  my amazing nurses, Annie, broke her thumb trying to pull the bed rail down during all of it.

They ran me to L&D, looking for a room ... cause, when you've been in labor in the hospital for 20 hours they'll have a room for you, right??! WRONG! They put me in a medical supply room!!! Then again, they made me change beds, this time to a bed with NO rails. Yea, really smart thinking. My precious nurse, Mandi, had been my nurse that night and stayed with me while I delivered Reagan. She mentioned to one of the other nurses there were no rails and the other nurse said there was nothing she could do. Mandi told me just to hold on to her ... I remember screaming I couldn't hold her in anymore and everyone yelling at me to keep her in longer. I just physically couldn't do it...  Next thing I knew my beautiful baby was born onto the bed. Yes, you read that right ... the bed. No doctor made it in time to deliver Reagan. There was some doctor who ran in and put scrubs on as I was delivering her ... but didn't make it in time for her to be born into his hands. I remember him running over, cutting her cord, and handing her off to someone else.

Wow, I'm only half way done and I can't see through the tears. Why does this have to be so stinkin' hard????? I can't write more tonight ..

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

It made HER "feel better"

Okay, I'm going to vent here for a minute. Peyton had his first allergist appointment today and we had just gotten into the room with the nurse. After asking all the normal questions, doing his weight, and normal "chit chat" the nurse asked, "Are they your only two?" I didn't think twice about the question and immediately answered yes ... to no sooner correct myself by saying, "Oh my goodness ...sorry, no ... we have a little girl, too, who is in Heaven."  Cameron then proceeded to tell the nurse that his baby sisters name is Reagan and she went to Heaven to be our angel. The woman didn't skip a beat, y'all. No sooner did Cam stop talking when she said, "Well, that's okay. It makes me feel better that you put it that way." Put it WHAT way?! I wanted to say, "Lady, I don't care HOW YOU FEEL! I just lost my daughter!!!!" She just kept saying over and over ,"Well that's okay. Saying she's in Heaven makes me feel better about it." I seriously could have back handed the woman and not felt a single bit of guilt for it. Now, if that makes me a bad person ... so be it. I'm not going to go through my life acting as though I only have two kids because it makes someone uncomfortable. I have 4 children ... 3 of which have physically been on this earth. 3 of which have names, have been held in my arms, who have my heart and who will ALWAYS be acknowledged. James and I have decided that we will always talk about Reagan, we will always have pictures of her in our house, the boys will know all about their sister and how amazing she is ... and, just because she isn't here on earth doesn't mean she isn't our daughter and doesn't deserve to be acknowledged.

Okay, thank you for listening to me gripe. This lady really struck a nerve in me today and I needed to get it out before we go back next week for P's allergy testing. So, please pray for my heart towards this woman. I'm sure she meant no harm ... but she really offended me. Call me hormonal or call me a Momma who misses her baby and would do anything to have her back, if only for a minute ...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


Okay, so .. I'm not even sure that anyone is reading this blog anymore ... BUT, if you are, First: THANK YOU! It's SO nice to know that people care enough to read my thoughts, even when it turns into total non-sense; Second: this is my promise to you ... I promise to write at least one post a week from now on. I know it doesn't seem like much, and I PLAN on writing much more than that, but it's what I can guarantee to you right now.

You see, I try planning my days out lately; I have the best of intentions to get a zillion things crossed off my "to do" list. Well, as you have probably already guessed, I get maybe one or, if I'm doing "good", two or three. By the end of the day I feel completely overwhelmed, discouraged, frustrated, and as though I'm letting people down. Then I remind myself ,"Lauren, there very well may not be anyone reading that blog anymore." But then I hear my sweet therapist in my head (yes, I'm not one to keep secrets or act like I have it all together cause we all know that's far from the truth these days. I'm not embarrassed to say it ... yes, I am going and seeing a therapist ... someone who doesn't know me from Adam, who knows nothing about my life, and who can just listen to me babble and bawl .. and, half the time, it's the UGLY cry, y'all. You know the one I'm talking about. I'm sure she gets so stinkin' excited when she sees Crazy Straub on her appointment book for the day!) telling me what a great thing a blog is for me right now. A way to get my feelings out; a place to express my pain, gut-wrenching anger, hurts, frustrations, and confusion; along with joy, love, forgiveness, understanding ...

So, I would absolutely love for you to stick around. Hear Reagan's story. In the next week I WILL tell about her birth. That's where the horrid anger comes in. The anger that I am in such desperate need of prayers for. I have never felt this amount of dislike, disgust ... I can't talk about it right now or anger will come in and I will say things that shouldn't be said. Things that aren't of God and things that I REFUSE to let Satan put in my head. But, yes ... I will tell Reagan's birth story this week. Please come back and read. It's going to be hard to write ... and I would love the support knowing y'all are reading.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day

Well, Baby Girl ... I did it. I made it through my first holiday without you here. Crazy how the first holiday after your big brother, Peyton, was born was also Mother's day. Goodness ... how emotions with the same holiday are so different in just a year.

Your Daddy gave me a big hug this morning and wished me a Happy Mother's Day. I just fell in his arms and cried. How I wish it was different; I wish I was holding you in the crook of my arm, nursing you, snuggling your precious little body. I cried because I know God has allowed for it to be this way. Not to hurt us, but because His ways are greater than ours. He has a plan and a purpose for all of this pain ... I don't understand it right now ... I pray I eventually will.

I'm sure you already know and, I'm not proud about this but... Mommy has had many screaming matches with God lately. I want to know "WHY???" Why did He have to take you?? He has so many angels, why did he need the little girl who fought so hard to be here ... who was wanted SO badly by her mommy and daddy?? Half the time I feel like He just lets me scream. He just takes it. He loves me and he understands my pain. He hurts with me. He reminds me you were a GIFT. My heavens, what a gift you were!!!! My initial response was, "Okay, so you gave us this amazing gift and then took her back?!" but that's far from the case, baby girl. You're with me everywhere I go. YOU, Reagan Grace, have changed my outlook on life. YOU have made me a better mommy. YOU have made me a better wife. YOU have made me grateful for the things I always took for granted. Through YOU, God has shown me that, even though God may not answer our prayers the way we're asking, doesn't mean He's not working. Thousands fervently prayed for your earthly healing for months. It was our human desire for you to be here ... but, it wasn't what God had in store for your precious life. Although you weren't healed on this earth, you are now PERFECT in every way! You are free of all pain, you no longer have to worry about lungs or kidneys functioning ... you're healed!   YOU ARE, and FOREVER WILL BE, MY BABY GIRL!

Mommy loves you, Reagan ...

Friday, May 7, 2010


Since these are the only pictures we'll ever have of our baby girl, James and I have chosen to keep some pictures of Reagan to ourselves, but would love to share the some of the others with y'all.

I promise to write more this weekend. Thanks for being so patient with me ...

Okay, I lied. I just spent a good 40 minutes going through all the pictures and choosing which ones to upload. It said it was uploading all of them and only uploaded this one. Man, how frustrating. Praise God! :) I'll go through them again in the morning.

No, I haven't forgotten . :)

Sorry, y'all. P has been sick for the past 2 weeks but has gotten really bad this past week. It's pure allergy/sinus issues but he is beyond miserable. Poor baby is on 3 allergy medicatons, antibiotics just in case he has a sinus infection, and breathing treatments 4 times a day. Then we have a referral to an ENT and an Allergist. His doctor said she thinks he's going to definitely need his adnoids out, will need allergy testing, and is almost positive he has sleep apnea. Needless to say, there hasn't been much sleep in our house lately. :( I just hate that he is feeling so bad. He normally is our PIGGY ... eats anything you put in front of him, and that's definitely not the case these days. All he wants is milk and will take a few bites of crackers through out the day. :( Please pray Peyton gets to feeling better. He normally is such a lively, active little guy and we hate that he is feeling so bad lately.

I hope to post tonight after we get him to bed for the night. No promises, though! :)

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Hello Hospital!

When I say I was panicking, I'm not exaggerating. I was sobbing. I had tried calling everyone and couldn't get ahold of any of them! My friend, Heather, answered her phone and said she would get her boys up and head right on over. Her husband works security forces on base so she was able to get ahold of some of his co-workers and have them track James down. He was doing his morning work out at the base gym when security forces came running in looking all over the place for him. When they finally found him and informed him what was going on, he was out the door. Fortunately, one of James' bosses was at the gym at the same time so he knew exactly what was going on. Heather and James got to the house around the same time .... and, of course, both boys decided to wake up about 10 minutes before hand ... which is completely out of character for both of them. They are never up at 6:10 in the morning! I was trying to get them ready but was terrified of moving too much, scared Reagan would fall out. I know I sound crazy, or maybe I don't ... who knows. I wasn't contracting too bad at this point BUT we were having SUCH a hard pregnancy and NOTHING would surprise me at this point. I decided to just sit down and wait for James to get home. Heather is such an amazing friend. She came in with both of her kids half asleep, in their pjs, and looking so confused. She jumped right into action ... getting the boys dressed, getting their bots, snacks, car seats, etc. We left her with the house keys, kissed the boys, and left. The car ride to the hospital was long ... we got stuck in traffic and it was also an hour away from our house. I was scared ... no, I'm lying ... I was terrified. I was almost positive they would make me go ahead and have her since my water broke again. I just remember holding James hand, not saying a word to each other, but praying the entire way. We didn't have to talk ... I knew he was just as scared as I was.

We got to the hospital and they checked me into a triage room. They didn't want to check me since I was ruptured and the risk of infection was so dangerous. The nurse thought they would probably let me go home on strict bed rest ... so we just waited for hours to hear the doctor tell me I could go home. Then my sweet Dr. V (who wasn't on hospital rotations that week ... he made the drive up just to see us!) came in our room and told us he would feel a lot safer if they kept us in the hospital until Reagan was born. He said he wouldn't be the one to make the final decision, that would be up to Dr. M (the doctor who was on rotations that day), but that he completely trusted her judgement and decisions. Well .... low and behold, she came in about 40 minutes later and said I wasn't going anywhere until Little Ms. Reagan was born. I cried. I knew it was best for Reagan, it just was hard knowing I wouldn't be home with my family and wouldn't be seeing them for days at a time. I am a stay-at-home-mom and we were beyond stressed about who was going to watch the boys. James had some leave saved up but not the 10+ weeks they were saying I would be in the hospital for.  James' leadership wound up being absolutely AMAZING ... we are so incredible blessed with such great leadership!!! They completely worked with James to where he was able to stay home with the boys for nearly 5 weeks. Seriously, ya'll ... we were BLESSED!! :) James had to leave me early to go pick up the boys from Heather. I was scared with him leaving. I've been in the hospital plenty of times by myself ... this time just seemed different.

Okay, bare with me y'all ... I just spent almost 2 hours on the phone with a dear friend and cried for over half of the time. I'm spent. Kell left this morning and it was sad seeing her and Baby R go. I will post again in the morning . Thank y'all for wanting to know Reagan's story. I promise its much better than this! I just hated that I hadn't posted in days so wanted to write something but now I'm fading fast. :( Love y'all!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Certificates ...

My best friend, Kelley, came in town today with her precious 9 week old baby girl. I haven't seen Kell since Christmas and she was still pregnant at the time. Today was my first time meeting her sweet baby and she is a total sweetheart. Cam and Peyton absolutely love Baby R (much to my surprise, Peyton absolutely ADORES her) ... and, yes, it hurts knowing our boys will never have their little sister to love and adore like they are Baby R. I hate they don't know her and will never have the chance of knowing her ... not until we leave this world, that is. At the same time, I'm so thankful for such wonderful friends who are willing to fly across the country to be with us. I'm thankful that Kell lets me love on Baby R (because, you all know, even though she's not my "real" niece ... she's still my "niece"!:)) but knows me well enough to take Baby R back when she see's I'm about to have a meltdown. One of those "meltdowns" came today when James walked in the door from work. He was holding Reagans Birth and Death Certificates. Wow, what parent thinks they will go pick those up at the same time? I was sitting on the couch, holding Baby R, and told James I couldn't look at them. I tried not to sob ... but, Kell knows me better than I know myself at times... and asked if I wanted her to take the baby. I told her yes, handed Baby R back and just started to bawl. It's official ... Our Amazing little girl was born April 16th at 7:04 am weighing 2lbs 12ozs and 13 inches long. She went home to be with the Lord at 11:45 am.  She made it almost 5 hours ... she was such a fighter, she was our fighter and we are so incredibly proud that she is our daughter.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Amnio infusions Begin ...

We had an appointment scheduled at 22 weeks with the HR doctor (the one doctor who saw us previously was convinced we would see she still had no fluid and go ahead with the abortion.) Little did she know, our appointment wasn't scheduled with her (we weren't aware of this either). Instead, we met with the most wonderful doctor ever. Honestly, he was precious. The moment we met him, I felt a complete peace. He was very thorough, very personable, and EXTREMELY caring. He mentioned to us the same thing the previous doctor told us ... that Reagan had no fluid ... and that was obviously not a good thing. BUT THEN, he told us something that many others had straight up told us "NO" to. He said in his 27 years of being a perinate doctor, he had only seen this type of case one other time. I immediately asked how he treated the pregnancy and, what he said was music to my ears. Actually, sent chills throughout my entire body. He said they did amnio infusions. Her son was born with cerebral palsy but, other than that, is doing great! I didn't give him the chance to offer us the infusions ... I basically cut him off in the middle of a sentence (if you know me, you know that when I get excited, my mouth flies open. Yes, it's a rude thing and I am really, really trying to work on it!) and asked if we would be able to do the infusions. Dr. V said he would be willing to do them for us ... but didn't want us to make the decision right there. It's a VERY risky procedure (it's a huge needle that goes through your stomach, into your uterus, that puts fluid back into the sac ... it could send you into labor, could hit the baby the wrong way, could hit the placenta/cord, infection risks are very high, and ... not to mention, it hurts incredibly bad.) So, James and I prayed about it, talked about it, and were in agreement with going ahead with the infusions. I am terrified of needles ... but I would never have been able to live with myself knowing I hadn't given Reagan every possible chance. We scheduled an appointment for the following Thursday (2 days away) and the procedure took a little over 3 hours. I was scared to death ... sobbing through a good portion, I had James' ipod on, listning to Praise and Worship ... while James was rubbing my feet the whole time. I was scared ... of the needle, yes, a little ... but mostly of what this meant for Reagan. Dr. V informed us before we started the procedure he didn't think one of her kidneys was functioning ... it was "dysplastic" ... meaning it was full of non-functioning cysts. He wasn't sure as to her other kidney but would have more of an idea after the infusion. It was truly AMAZING watching Reagan become more active each time they put more fluid in. She was moving her legs and arms everywhere ... it was as though she was sighing a sigh of relief, finally having the room to move. They were able to infuse 500 cc's (50 syringes). We saw her hands, feet, face, toes, fingers ... well, everything. That's something we completely took for granted with both the boys. We could make out everything on their ultrasounds. That wasn't the case with Reagan. You honestly couldn't tell her head from her feet. It was the most discouraging thing being her mom and having no clue what I was looking at on the screen. To be honest, there were times the doctors and techs didn't know what they were looking at.

I was told to not lift anything for the next two weeks and to stay inside. That's pretty much impossible with two little guys but I did my best! I was guzzling water and laying on the couch or on the bed constantly. My kids are amazing ... even though we couldn't go outside, they were such troopers throughout it all. We went back to the doctor the following week to find that Reagan had about half the fluid they had infused. Her AFI right after the infusion was 15.3 and it was a little less than half that. At the end of my infusion, Dr. V infused blue dye into the sac. He said we would know if the tear had sealed over or not with this blue dye. If I hadn't leaked blue within 24-48 hours, they would consider me "sealed". If I didn't leak blue, my body would absorb it and I would pee it out. Well,  I never leaked OR peed blue, so they were baffled as to what was going on. The next week we were back to absolutely no fluid. We decided, along with  Dr. V, that we should go ahead with another infusion. This one went a lot faster, only about an hour and a half, and they were able to infuse 530 cc's. I was cramping really bad that night and feeling a lot of pressure (both of which are normal with infusions) ... so I took some tylenol and went to bed. I woke up at 6:00 the next morning, with our bed soaked. I stood up and fluid kept pouring out. My water had broke for the second time and I was now just 24 weeks pregnant. James had already left for work, I couldn't get ahold of my regular ob's office OR my HR doctor and I was panicking ...

Monday, April 26, 2010

I'm sorry I'm slacking

I follow a few blogs and it drives me nuts when I look for updates and they're not there. Don't get me wrong, I don't think people are hanging on the edge of their seats waiting fore me to post ... I just have so much I want to get out ... but feel like there is no time to do it.

I am doing this because an amazing friend created this blog. She wanted people to know Reagan's story ... we want people to know Reagan's story. What so many don't know is that Reagan was a twin. I carried two precious babies for 11 weeks until the Lord called one home. It was too early to know the sex of the one baby ... but we will know one day. I struggled hard with the loss of our precious baby. The crazy part is we weren't even planning on any more kids. We were happy being a family of four and were completely thrown for a loop when learning of this pregnancy. (We have two little boys, Cameron and Peyton. Cam just turned 3 and Peyton is about to be one ... meaning there wasn't even a year between Reagan and Peyton.)  I'm not going to lie ... I bawled, like a baby. I was selfish. I was wrong. I will never forget the night of October 28th, 2009 ... the night our lives forever changed. We thought it was just that we were having another baby. If it could have only been that easy.

We were told by the doctors that we lost the one twin to "vanishing twin syndrome" and that our other baby was 100% healthy ... that there was nothing to worry about. Imagine our shock at 16 weeks (when going to find out the sex of our baby)  being told that something was wrong with our baby girl. After seeing a high risk doctor, they determined my water broke at 13 weeks and it was a slow leak. By 17 weeks, Reagan had no fluid ... not a drop. There was a tear somewhere in the gestational sac and they weren't able to locate it. We were encouraged to have an abortion ... something James and I don't believe in. We told this doctor that we know Who opens and closes the womb ... that it wasn't our right to take Reagan's life. If God wanted to take her early, He would in His own time. We were told all the risks ... not just the risks for her, but the risks for me. The possibility of infection, the possibility of death. It scared me, a fear I have never felt before. I wanted to fight for Reagan, give her every possible chance; yet the possibility of infection and death, me not being around for my husband and boys shook me to the core. We decided it was best I stay inside ... stay away from all possible germs. My poor husband and kids ... I think James saw work as a daily field trip. :) James was AMAZING ...on top of working a full time job, he did all the grocery shopping, errands, and all the odds and ends around the house. No matter how busy his schedule (he is an officer in the Air Force), he was at every doctors appointment with me. He was my constant strength ... and I don't think I told him that enough.

There is still so much to write, but I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. A friend drove me back to the hospital today to pick up Reagan's foot molds ... I have never felt such pain and peace at the same time. Pain because of everything that happened there with Reagan ... peace because that is the only place we have memories with our angel baby. Amazing how one place can bring such emotion ...

Saturday, April 24, 2010

It was beautiful ...

Yesterday was a day of Celebration. A day to celebrate our beautiful little girl's life; short, yet one that has touched thousands. I pray she knows how amazing she is. I pray I can be like Reagan. That I can fight, despite the odds put against me. That, no matter how hard the obstacle, I won't give up ... but I'll keep fighting ... because I have a purpose and a and reason. I am trying to remind myself of these things every second. Family and friends that have been rallying around us every second of every day since Reagan was born. They have started to leave today and I am terrified of being alone. I know it's something that is eventually going to happen, and I'm going to have to learn how to deal with it just being the four of us again ... it just isn't something I'm ready for yet. To be honest, it probably isn't something I'll EVER be ready for. I'm so thankful for a Father who never leaves, who stays with us through the good and the bad, who is our strength when we are weak, and who loves us beyond measure. With Him ALL things are possible ...

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Tomorrow marks Reagans One Week Birthday

One week ago today, I went into labor with our angel baby. I was told ruptured patients often labor for weeks, if not months, so it was nothing to be concerned about. I was given a "cocktail" ... morphine in my iv, a morphine shot, ambien, phenergan, and vistaril. In a 7 hour span, I was given this "cocktail" THREE TIMES. Never once did it take the pain away ... just made me more doped out of my mind then I knew possible. The doctor was convinced that if she could get me calmed down, and possibly to sleep, labor would stop. Man, how she was wrong.

A week ago tomorrow, our precious baby girl was born. She was pefect in every possible way. I know every parent says that about their child but SHE WAS. We are having a service to celebrate Reagan's life tomorrow. The thought of it makes me sick. To know that it's already been a week since we've held her ... then, after tomorrow, life will resume to "normal" in the Straub household. I don't think it'll ever be "normal" again. I can't imagine. We'll try ... but how can we be complete without one of our children??? Please pray for us. I feel empty. An emptiness I have never felt in my life.

 I am also struggling with so much physical pain. When I was in the hospital, I wound up getting a herniated disc and a bulging/dislocated disc in my back. I am seeing a neurosurgeon about possible surgery on my back (praying for just cortisone shots)... but, for the time being, I am absolutely miserable. I can barely walk, can't pick up my kids, bend over, drive, and am depending on medicine to remain sane. Anyone who knows me knows I HATE this. I am NOT a person who likes medication ... for certain reasons, so this is really hard on me. Please pray for the pain to stop without having to take meds!

Tomorrow is Reagan's service ... and we will be okay.

Another day has passed ...

6 days ... 6 days have passed since our angel came into this world and left it, leaving us forever changed. Most women count down their pregnancy ... complain about how uncomfortable, swollen, out of breath, how much pressure there is, and, overall, just how miserable being pregnant is. I HAVE been one of those pregnant women. With both the boys, sadly, they couldn't come out soon enough. Reagan was different. I cherished every second she stayed in. Every kick, punch, or hiccup I felt were so precious to me. She moved ... A LOT ... which is very rare for ruptured babies. Babies with no fluid normally stay in one position because it is too difficult for them to move. Not our Reagan, she had some dance parties in my belly! They hurt, at times to where I would have tears streaming down my cheeks, but I didn't want her to stop. Even though I was in so much pain, she was doing something doctors said she would never do. It was amazing feeling her do things doctors told us were impossible for her. They would even comment during ultrasounds or monitoring how incredible it was that she was such a wiggle worm. I had nurses tell me that they would never know by the monitor readings we were ruptured ... her heartbeat was always so strong and she was always so active. God showed me so much through this pregnancy that NOTHING is impossible through HIM. Our little girl ... she may have only lived on this earth for four hours ... but she has taught me a lifetime of lessons. I'm trying to wrap my head around that but I just can't. I miss her ... I miss her more than I knew was humanly possible. Her skin was the softest skin I have ever felt. I love how she wrapped her fingers around my pointer finger and held on so tight. She was perfect ... and I'm so thankful God gave us the gift of Reagan. I will never be the same ... and that's a good thing.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Our Baby Girl

Wow, I can't believe I'm blogging. I promised myself I would never do this ... not being that great of a writer, especially with my mind going a million places at once. Amazing how one little life can change you so incredibly much. As time goes on, I plan on writing Reagan's birth story, the months leading up to her birth and death, how we're dealing ... or not dealing, and whatever else is on my heart. I warn you now ... I have horrible ADHD and I use ...... a lot. My feelings are raw and fresh, so forigve me if I don't candy coat things and make them story-tale like. I think it will be theraputic to get my feelings out ... yet hard at the same time. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the prayers and support y'all have given our family throughout the past few months. I cannot tell you how many times James and I have both been in tears because of how humbled we are at other peoples generosity and love ... some of which we have never even met. In the hardest time of our lives, God is showing us how faithful He is by putting people like YOU in our lives. Thank YOU ...

Most people aren't local but I wanted to let everyone know the memorial arrangements in case you can make it. We will be having Reagan's memorial service on Friday, the 23rd, at 10:30 am. It will be at Valley Chapel on Beale AFB.

Reagan Grace

This site has been set up in memory of a sweet baby girl, Reagan Grace.  As you can imagine this is an extremely difficult time for the family.  The last thing they should have to worry about are the costs associated with the passing of a loved one.  Since the Straub's are active military, they are away from their friends and family and many will not be able to attend the funeral.  The family would like to travel back home as soon as possible.  The funds donated will be used for the costs noted above.  Any amount you can give will be appreciated whether it is $1 or $100.  Please find it in your heart to help out this wonderful family.

We are not put on this earth for ourselves, but are placed here for each other. If you are there always for others, then in time of need, someone will be there for you.~Jeff Warner