I'm Finally doing this ...

Today, May 26th, was the day I was scheduled to have our Reagan. She would have been 34 weeks today and doctors didn't think it would be safe to allow her to stay in the womb any longer. Well, y'all already know that she didn't make it to today ... she's celebrating with Jesus, instead!

I figured that I have been putting off writing this for as long as possible. I just have to suck it up, quit trying to protect this doctor, and not worry if I come off vulnerable. This is hard for me to think about (I think about this 24/7 but always random thoughts.) Bare with me ...

I went to the bathroom at 11:40 on Thursday morning, April 15th, when I started bleeding. I walked back to my bed (stupid me should have just pulled the cord in the bathroom) and called for my nurse telling them I was bleeding. 3 nurses ran in my room in no time, put me on the monitors, looked and checked for blood, but we're allowed to check me. Since I was ruptured, doctors/nurses weren't allowed to check me at all my whole time there.

Contractions started in around 11:45. They were painful but nothing I couldn't bare. My nurses were telling me Reagan looked great on the monitor and wasn't showing any stress when I had contractions. The contractions continued throughout the day, gradually getting worse. Around 6:00 that night they were really getting painful. I stuck it out until around 8 before I was literally screaming with every contraction. Now, before you think I'm a total wimp, let me say this ... I've had 2 other kids, had both of them vaginally, and never once screamed while in pain. I was even on strong petocin with Cam and that stuff hurts! So, for me to be screaming this time around HAD to mean something. They were coming every 2 minutes and would last for a little over a minute each. One of my precious nurses came in and said the doctor said she wouldn't stop my labor but wanted to give me a "cocktail" to try and calm me down. It was a morphine shot, morphine in my iv, ambien, vistaril, and phenergan. She gave me that same cocktail THREE times in SEVEN hours!  I BEGGED for someone to check me, going as far as telling them I would sign a waiver saying I wouldn't sue if I got an infection. The doctor REFUSED. She wouldn't let them touch me!! So, I had my wonderful nurses taking turns coming in, counting through contractions with me, rubbing my back, doing anything they could to try and make me comfortable.

I kept requesting an epidural but this same *wonderful* doctor said I wasn't allowed to have one with my pre-existing back condition. Well, I had news for her. I had that same "pre-existing"  back condition when I had both the boys and I was ABLE to have an epidural with both of them. My nurses called and told her that (cause, yea, she NEVER ONCE even came into the hospital!) and I never heard about the epidural again.

L&D came to my room 3 separate times to "check me" but weren't given the okay to do so until the 2nd time around. I was dilated to 2 and 80% effaced. I just remember sobbing, screaming, and telling my nurses it was too early for her to come. I kept asking them to stop my labor even though I knew they couldn't. I called James at 4:40 in the morning on the 16th to tell him what was going on. I don't remember much of the conversation ... I know I told him to pack a bag for the boys and try and find someone to watch the boys. He asked if he needed to go to the hospital right then (since we live an hour away) but my nurses (speaking from my doctor) said no.

The pain was becoming excruciating and all I could focus on was keeping her IN. You know, normally you have to focus on pushing. No, not with Reagan. All of a sudden I felt horrid pressure and told my nurse. She called L&D again (yet again, there were no orders for them to check me so the L&D nurse told my night nurse to call the doc. and tell her to either get her butt in there or she was going to check me against orders.) The nurse went ahead and checked me and I was at 7.5 and 100% effaced. It was a mad dash in my room from that point. They had to take me off the bed in my room and put me on a different bed. To tell you what a huge rush it was, one of  my amazing nurses, Annie, broke her thumb trying to pull the bed rail down during all of it.

They ran me to L&D, looking for a room ... cause, when you've been in labor in the hospital for 20 hours they'll have a room for you, right??! WRONG! They put me in a medical supply room!!! Then again, they made me change beds, this time to a bed with NO rails. Yea, really smart thinking. My precious nurse, Mandi, had been my nurse that night and stayed with me while I delivered Reagan. She mentioned to one of the other nurses there were no rails and the other nurse said there was nothing she could do. Mandi told me just to hold on to her ... I remember screaming I couldn't hold her in anymore and everyone yelling at me to keep her in longer. I just physically couldn't do it...  Next thing I knew my beautiful baby was born onto the bed. Yes, you read that right ... the bed. No doctor made it in time to deliver Reagan. There was some doctor who ran in and put scrubs on as I was delivering her ... but didn't make it in time for her to be born into his hands. I remember him running over, cutting her cord, and handing her off to someone else.


Wow, I'm only half way done and I can't see through the tears. Why does this have to be so stinkin' hard????? I can't write more tonight ..

It made HER "feel better"

Okay, I'm going to vent here for a minute. Peyton had his first allergist appointment today and we had just gotten into the room with the nurse. After asking all the normal questions, doing his weight, and normal "chit chat" the nurse asked, "Are they your only two?" I didn't think twice about the question and immediately answered yes ... to no sooner correct myself by saying, "Oh my goodness ...sorry, no ... we have a little girl, too, who is in Heaven."  Cameron then proceeded to tell the nurse that his baby sisters name is Reagan and she went to Heaven to be our angel. The woman didn't skip a beat, y'all. No sooner did Cam stop talking when she said, "Well, that's okay. It makes me feel better that you put it that way." Put it WHAT way?! I wanted to say, "Lady, I don't care HOW YOU FEEL! I just lost my daughter!!!!" She just kept saying over and over ,"Well that's okay. Saying she's in Heaven makes me feel better about it." I seriously could have back handed the woman and not felt a single bit of guilt for it. Now, if that makes me a bad person ... so be it. I'm not going to go through my life acting as though I only have two kids because it makes someone uncomfortable. I have 4 children ... 3 of which have physically been on this earth. 3 of which have names, have been held in my arms, who have my heart and who will ALWAYS be acknowledged. James and I have decided that we will always talk about Reagan, we will always have pictures of her in our house, the boys will know all about their sister and how amazing she is ... and, just because she isn't here on earth doesn't mean she isn't our daughter and doesn't deserve to be acknowledged.

Okay, thank you for listening to me gripe. This lady really struck a nerve in me today and I needed to get it out before we go back next week for P's allergy testing. So, please pray for my heart towards this woman. I'm sure she meant no harm ... but she really offended me. Call me hormonal or call me a Momma who misses her baby and would do anything to have her back, if only for a minute ...

Promise

Okay, so .. I'm not even sure that anyone is reading this blog anymore ... BUT, if you are, First: THANK YOU! It's SO nice to know that people care enough to read my thoughts, even when it turns into total non-sense; Second: this is my promise to you ... I promise to write at least one post a week from now on. I know it doesn't seem like much, and I PLAN on writing much more than that, but it's what I can guarantee to you right now.

You see, I try planning my days out lately; I have the best of intentions to get a zillion things crossed off my "to do" list. Well, as you have probably already guessed, I get maybe one or, if I'm doing "good", two or three. By the end of the day I feel completely overwhelmed, discouraged, frustrated, and as though I'm letting people down. Then I remind myself ,"Lauren, there very well may not be anyone reading that blog anymore." But then I hear my sweet therapist in my head (yes, I'm not one to keep secrets or act like I have it all together cause we all know that's far from the truth these days. I'm not embarrassed to say it ... yes, I am going and seeing a therapist ... someone who doesn't know me from Adam, who knows nothing about my life, and who can just listen to me babble and bawl .. and, half the time, it's the UGLY cry, y'all. You know the one I'm talking about. I'm sure she gets so stinkin' excited when she sees Crazy Straub on her appointment book for the day!) telling me what a great thing a blog is for me right now. A way to get my feelings out; a place to express my pain, gut-wrenching anger, hurts, frustrations, and confusion; along with joy, love, forgiveness, understanding ...

So, I would absolutely love for you to stick around. Hear Reagan's story. In the next week I WILL tell about her birth. That's where the horrid anger comes in. The anger that I am in such desperate need of prayers for. I have never felt this amount of dislike, disgust ... I can't talk about it right now or anger will come in and I will say things that shouldn't be said. Things that aren't of God and things that I REFUSE to let Satan put in my head. But, yes ... I will tell Reagan's birth story this week. Please come back and read. It's going to be hard to write ... and I would love the support knowing y'all are reading.

Mother's Day

Well, Baby Girl ... I did it. I made it through my first holiday without you here. Crazy how the first holiday after your big brother, Peyton, was born was also Mother's day. Goodness ... how emotions with the same holiday are so different in just a year.

Your Daddy gave me a big hug this morning and wished me a Happy Mother's Day. I just fell in his arms and cried. How I wish it was different; I wish I was holding you in the crook of my arm, nursing you, snuggling your precious little body. I cried because I know God has allowed for it to be this way. Not to hurt us, but because His ways are greater than ours. He has a plan and a purpose for all of this pain ... I don't understand it right now ... I pray I eventually will.

I'm sure you already know and, I'm not proud about this but... Mommy has had many screaming matches with God lately. I want to know "WHY???" Why did He have to take you?? He has so many angels, why did he need the little girl who fought so hard to be here ... who was wanted SO badly by her mommy and daddy?? Half the time I feel like He just lets me scream. He just takes it. He loves me and he understands my pain. He hurts with me. He reminds me you were a GIFT. My heavens, what a gift you were!!!! My initial response was, "Okay, so you gave us this amazing gift and then took her back?!" but that's far from the case, baby girl. You're with me everywhere I go. YOU, Reagan Grace, have changed my outlook on life. YOU have made me a better mommy. YOU have made me a better wife. YOU have made me grateful for the things I always took for granted. Through YOU, God has shown me that, even though God may not answer our prayers the way we're asking, doesn't mean He's not working. Thousands fervently prayed for your earthly healing for months. It was our human desire for you to be here ... but, it wasn't what God had in store for your precious life. Although you weren't healed on this earth, you are now PERFECT in every way! You are free of all pain, you no longer have to worry about lungs or kidneys functioning ... you're healed!   YOU ARE, and FOREVER WILL BE, MY BABY GIRL!

Mommy loves you, Reagan ...

Perfection

Since these are the only pictures we'll ever have of our baby girl, James and I have chosen to keep some pictures of Reagan to ourselves, but would love to share the some of the others with y'all.

I promise to write more this weekend. Thanks for being so patient with me ...

Okay, I lied. I just spent a good 40 minutes going through all the pictures and choosing which ones to upload. It said it was uploading all of them and only uploaded this one. Man, how frustrating. Praise God! :) I'll go through them again in the morning.

No, I haven't forgotten . :)

Sorry, y'all. P has been sick for the past 2 weeks but has gotten really bad this past week. It's pure allergy/sinus issues but he is beyond miserable. Poor baby is on 3 allergy medicatons, antibiotics just in case he has a sinus infection, and breathing treatments 4 times a day. Then we have a referral to an ENT and an Allergist. His doctor said she thinks he's going to definitely need his adnoids out, will need allergy testing, and is almost positive he has sleep apnea. Needless to say, there hasn't been much sleep in our house lately. :( I just hate that he is feeling so bad. He normally is our PIGGY ... eats anything you put in front of him, and that's definitely not the case these days. All he wants is milk and will take a few bites of crackers through out the day. :( Please pray Peyton gets to feeling better. He normally is such a lively, active little guy and we hate that he is feeling so bad lately.

I hope to post tonight after we get him to bed for the night. No promises, though! :)

Hello Hospital!

When I say I was panicking, I'm not exaggerating. I was sobbing. I had tried calling everyone and couldn't get ahold of any of them! My friend, Heather, answered her phone and said she would get her boys up and head right on over. Her husband works security forces on base so she was able to get ahold of some of his co-workers and have them track James down. He was doing his morning work out at the base gym when security forces came running in looking all over the place for him. When they finally found him and informed him what was going on, he was out the door. Fortunately, one of James' bosses was at the gym at the same time so he knew exactly what was going on. Heather and James got to the house around the same time .... and, of course, both boys decided to wake up about 10 minutes before hand ... which is completely out of character for both of them. They are never up at 6:10 in the morning! I was trying to get them ready but was terrified of moving too much, scared Reagan would fall out. I know I sound crazy, or maybe I don't ... who knows. I wasn't contracting too bad at this point BUT we were having SUCH a hard pregnancy and NOTHING would surprise me at this point. I decided to just sit down and wait for James to get home. Heather is such an amazing friend. She came in with both of her kids half asleep, in their pjs, and looking so confused. She jumped right into action ... getting the boys dressed, getting their bots, snacks, car seats, etc. We left her with the house keys, kissed the boys, and left. The car ride to the hospital was long ... we got stuck in traffic and it was also an hour away from our house. I was scared ... no, I'm lying ... I was terrified. I was almost positive they would make me go ahead and have her since my water broke again. I just remember holding James hand, not saying a word to each other, but praying the entire way. We didn't have to talk ... I knew he was just as scared as I was.

We got to the hospital and they checked me into a triage room. They didn't want to check me since I was ruptured and the risk of infection was so dangerous. The nurse thought they would probably let me go home on strict bed rest ... so we just waited for hours to hear the doctor tell me I could go home. Then my sweet Dr. V (who wasn't on hospital rotations that week ... he made the drive up just to see us!) came in our room and told us he would feel a lot safer if they kept us in the hospital until Reagan was born. He said he wouldn't be the one to make the final decision, that would be up to Dr. M (the doctor who was on rotations that day), but that he completely trusted her judgement and decisions. Well .... low and behold, she came in about 40 minutes later and said I wasn't going anywhere until Little Ms. Reagan was born. I cried. I knew it was best for Reagan, it just was hard knowing I wouldn't be home with my family and wouldn't be seeing them for days at a time. I am a stay-at-home-mom and we were beyond stressed about who was going to watch the boys. James had some leave saved up but not the 10+ weeks they were saying I would be in the hospital for.  James' leadership wound up being absolutely AMAZING ... we are so incredible blessed with such great leadership!!! They completely worked with James to where he was able to stay home with the boys for nearly 5 weeks. Seriously, ya'll ... we were BLESSED!! :) James had to leave me early to go pick up the boys from Heather. I was scared with him leaving. I've been in the hospital plenty of times by myself ... this time just seemed different.

Okay, bare with me y'all ... I just spent almost 2 hours on the phone with a dear friend and cried for over half of the time. I'm spent. Kell left this morning and it was sad seeing her and Baby R go. I will post again in the morning . Thank y'all for wanting to know Reagan's story. I promise its much better than this! I just hated that I hadn't posted in days so wanted to write something but now I'm fading fast. :( Love y'all!