Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Forgiveness ...

To be honest, I wasn't planning on posting tonight. So much happened tonight at our meeting ... so much was said. I was going to crawl in bed and pass out ... but then I thought of y'all - the people who have been praying for us and encouraging us for months now and wanted to let y'all know what happened. A LOT was said ... so I am going to give y'all the edited version. James says it's not possible for me to give "edited" versions ... so we shall see! :)

Our meeting was scheduled for 5:15 in one of the conference rooms of the hospital. James and I got there 15 minutes early with no clue of how to get where we were supposed to be. One of my  nurses, Liza, was in the lobby (she actually didn't recognize me at first with makeup!) and gave me a hug. She asked how I was doing and then called the nursing supervisor to find out where we were supposed to be going. Karen, head of L&d, came down and took us to the room where we would be meeting. Since we were early, Dr. C and Mandy (my nurse) still weren't there. I was disappointed to find out that Annie, one of my other nurses that was going to be there, couldn't make it at last minute. They said she felt so bad and really wanted to be there. Normally I would feel like they were probably just making an excuse but Annie's just not like that ... she's just plain wonderful. We talked with all the supervisors for about 15 minutes ... actually, James did more talking than I did. Every time I heard the door open my heart would skip a beat. I was terrified it was Dr. C. James sensed how anxious I was and suggested we move seats to where we were no where near her when she walked in the room. I was really thankful he did that ... I wanted to be as far away from her as possible.

The time came, just a little after 5:15. I heard that peppy voice. Honestly, the woman must have been a cheerleader in high school. I'm not meaning that ugly, I promise I'm not ... she just has one of those voices. I looked at James, he could see the terror in my eyes, then terror soon becoming tears. He scooted his chair closer to mine to try and reassure me it was okay. Dr. C and Mandy walked in the room at the same time, Mandy sitting next to James, Dr. C across the room. They informed us this was our meeting, to start however we would like. I just blurted out, "I am so angry with you. I have never hurt so bad in my life." Just with those two sentences my face was filled with tears, my lips trembling, and words were almost impossible to speak. She simply said, "Okay, sure." It meant nothing to her ... it was as though I told her the sky was blue. I told her exactly how I felt ... nothing that I haven't written on here. I never once yelled or raised my voice, but I did sob. She seemed so cold and as though she didn't care. She went round and round with us. Telling us that she was "almost certain" if she would have come in and checked me while I was in labor I would have wound up in the OR. She said that their practice has never seen a patient so selfless; a patient who would endure so much pain, make so many life changes, and just go above and beyond for a baby who had been given such grim chances. It wasn't that she was paying me a compliment ... it was more of an insult, or so it seemed.

James straight up asked her what all medication she gave me and her answer was "extreme amounts of morphine." He asked her again and I cut her off by saying, "AND ambien, phenergan,  and vistaril." She agreed, saying that I had a ton of drugs in me, to the point where she started to worry about what it was doing to "the baby."  She kept going on her soap box, saying she purposely lives within walking distance of the hospital so she can get there in emergencies. I was in labor for 19 hours and 19 minutes. Please tell me how that isn't an emergency when you're not even 29 weeks?!  I asked why she wouldn't come to the hospital to even talk to me or to check me and she kept going back to "you wanted everything to be done for her and we would have wound up in the OR if I would have come." James got beyond frustrated and laid it out for her, explaining that all she needed to do was to come to the hospital and talk to us about how she was handling my labor. This whole time she's saying, "Yea, sure." At one point James said, "Don't say 'sure', say you should have come!! You should have made those decisions with us, not by yourself!"  She FINALLY said, "I could have come." Not, SHOULD, but COULD.

She kept going back to the fact that if she would have come in that night I would have gone to the OR for an emergency Classic (up and down) c-section. I'm positive I wouldn't. Want to know why?  If she would have walked in my room and told me that they were only going to do it to get me out of pain I would have said HECK NO. I broke down bawling and told her that I will do ANYTHING for my kids. If it meant that I had to go through the most horrid labor ever with Reagan, so be it. I did it and I would do it again if I had to. Dr. C said she had never seen such an excruating labor as mine and didn't know if she came in my room that night if she would have been able to continue and let me labor in so much pain. Last I checked, that would have been my decision to make. Yes, I had never felt pain like that before in my life (they said a lot of the pain was because of the herniated discs) but, if she would have come and talked to me saying the meds could be hurting Reagan, I would have told them to take me off everything that very second. My kids are my world. If you know me, you know that's the truth.

At the end, I looked her in the eye and told her that I've allowed to her steal too much of my joy, I've let her consume my life the past 2 months and I was done with it. I've been so angry with her, but I choose to forgive her. I forgive the pain she's caused. The hurt is still there ... it's definitely still there ... but only time will heal that. I don't like her, but I love her. She smiled and then was very quick to get out of the room. Mandy gave me a huge hug and we were able to talk some .... and that was our meeting.

I'm not reading back through this, I don't want to go through it again. So, please forgive me if it makes no sense, has major run ons, has horrible grammar, etc. I really don't plan on reading through this ever again ... so, if it has errors, please try and read over them! :)

Thank y'all for caring, thank y'all for your support. And thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers for today. Y'all thought I was kidding when I was talking about cancelling. I wasn't. But God got ahold of my heart and showed me how badly I needed this. Thank you for loving us ...


  1. I'm so glad you chose to share this with us! I thought about you all day yesterday and I hope the meeting helped. I wish she would have been more appologetic but it just shows what kind of person she is. You are better than all that and because of that, you will find joy and happiness again. You served Reagan well at the meeting by saying exactly how you felt and I'm glad James did such a good job of that too. Hugs and prayers to y'all! Love you guys!

  2. Lauren, I know you are glad this is behind you now. You have done what the Lord wants us do...forgive. He WILL heal you through time and you always have the assurance you will see little Reagan one day. We love you very much! Aunt Dar and Uncle Clay

  3. Dearest Lauren, I am so glad you have brought healing to yourself through this difficult meeting. "Forgive us our debts AS we forgive our debtors". Though now by obedience, I pray that your faith in God will bring you wholeness so that Reagan's Life will live on through your painfully gained testimony to the GLORY of GOD!
    My life's testimony has touched many because of my precious CHRISTen and how Jesus changed me from victim to Victory! When you heal your testimony will point others to God who willingly gave us HIS only begotten Son long before we begrudgedly lost ours. I continue prayer for you, James, and your children.

  4. Lauren, forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a decision. You have made the right decision. You have done your part in this equation,it makes no difference how Dr. C responded,you have been obedient to what you know to be true..."As much as it is up too you, be at peace with all people". The good new's here is that now the ball is in the Father's court, and HE is not a man that HE can lie, so HE will heal your heart. I am proud of you, still praying for you all and looking for the great things to come in your life.

  5. Thank you for sharing that with us, Lauren. I think you handled it amazingly well.- You are such a strong woman. I hope it brings you some peace to at least have that meeting behind you. You and James and the boys remain my prayers.

  6. I am glad that God "got ahold" of your heart, as you worded it. I am glad He showed you the concept of His ways, and that is to forgive no matter what - "to be at peace with all people." Not when we feel like it, not when so and so does this or that or gets his/her act together. But to choose to forgive, as He has commanded. You are to be commended for being obedient. Once you chose to take that action you opened the door wide for God to begin the healing work in your heart. I am still praying for you as God leads you through this healing journey.