Monday, April 26, 2010

I'm sorry I'm slacking

I follow a few blogs and it drives me nuts when I look for updates and they're not there. Don't get me wrong, I don't think people are hanging on the edge of their seats waiting fore me to post ... I just have so much I want to get out ... but feel like there is no time to do it.

I am doing this because an amazing friend created this blog. She wanted people to know Reagan's story ... we want people to know Reagan's story. What so many don't know is that Reagan was a twin. I carried two precious babies for 11 weeks until the Lord called one home. It was too early to know the sex of the one baby ... but we will know one day. I struggled hard with the loss of our precious baby. The crazy part is we weren't even planning on any more kids. We were happy being a family of four and were completely thrown for a loop when learning of this pregnancy. (We have two little boys, Cameron and Peyton. Cam just turned 3 and Peyton is about to be one ... meaning there wasn't even a year between Reagan and Peyton.)  I'm not going to lie ... I bawled, like a baby. I was selfish. I was wrong. I will never forget the night of October 28th, 2009 ... the night our lives forever changed. We thought it was just that we were having another baby. If it could have only been that easy.

We were told by the doctors that we lost the one twin to "vanishing twin syndrome" and that our other baby was 100% healthy ... that there was nothing to worry about. Imagine our shock at 16 weeks (when going to find out the sex of our baby)  being told that something was wrong with our baby girl. After seeing a high risk doctor, they determined my water broke at 13 weeks and it was a slow leak. By 17 weeks, Reagan had no fluid ... not a drop. There was a tear somewhere in the gestational sac and they weren't able to locate it. We were encouraged to have an abortion ... something James and I don't believe in. We told this doctor that we know Who opens and closes the womb ... that it wasn't our right to take Reagan's life. If God wanted to take her early, He would in His own time. We were told all the risks ... not just the risks for her, but the risks for me. The possibility of infection, the possibility of death. It scared me, a fear I have never felt before. I wanted to fight for Reagan, give her every possible chance; yet the possibility of infection and death, me not being around for my husband and boys shook me to the core. We decided it was best I stay inside ... stay away from all possible germs. My poor husband and kids ... I think James saw work as a daily field trip. :) James was AMAZING ...on top of working a full time job, he did all the grocery shopping, errands, and all the odds and ends around the house. No matter how busy his schedule (he is an officer in the Air Force), he was at every doctors appointment with me. He was my constant strength ... and I don't think I told him that enough.

There is still so much to write, but I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. A friend drove me back to the hospital today to pick up Reagan's foot molds ... I have never felt such pain and peace at the same time. Pain because of everything that happened there with Reagan ... peace because that is the only place we have memories with our angel baby. Amazing how one place can bring such emotion ...

4 comments:

  1. I am praying for you and your family daily.

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  2. I'm a labor and delivery nurse in Washington State. I thank you for sharing your candid feelings. It helps me do my job better by knowing how my patients who are facing this loss feel (not that every mother feels the same) thank you. I'm caring for a mom who's water broke @ 20 weeks. Maybe I'll be able to care for her better, be more supportive because I read your story. I'm praying for you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss...I cannot imagine.

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  3. Aw, sweetie..... hmmmm.... I love you and wish I could still be there with you.... I'm so glad you are writing all of this down.... you have such an amazing heart, and it is beautiful to see it raw and exposed.... I love you!

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  4. Praying for you and your family from CA. Sweet blessings to all of you.

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