Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I'm Finally doing this ...

Today, May 26th, was the day I was scheduled to have our Reagan. She would have been 34 weeks today and doctors didn't think it would be safe to allow her to stay in the womb any longer. Well, y'all already know that she didn't make it to today ... she's celebrating with Jesus, instead!

I figured that I have been putting off writing this for as long as possible. I just have to suck it up, quit trying to protect this doctor, and not worry if I come off vulnerable. This is hard for me to think about (I think about this 24/7 but always random thoughts.) Bare with me ...

I went to the bathroom at 11:40 on Thursday morning, April 15th, when I started bleeding. I walked back to my bed (stupid me should have just pulled the cord in the bathroom) and called for my nurse telling them I was bleeding. 3 nurses ran in my room in no time, put me on the monitors, looked and checked for blood, but we're allowed to check me. Since I was ruptured, doctors/nurses weren't allowed to check me at all my whole time there.

Contractions started in around 11:45. They were painful but nothing I couldn't bare. My nurses were telling me Reagan looked great on the monitor and wasn't showing any stress when I had contractions. The contractions continued throughout the day, gradually getting worse. Around 6:00 that night they were really getting painful. I stuck it out until around 8 before I was literally screaming with every contraction. Now, before you think I'm a total wimp, let me say this ... I've had 2 other kids, had both of them vaginally, and never once screamed while in pain. I was even on strong petocin with Cam and that stuff hurts! So, for me to be screaming this time around HAD to mean something. They were coming every 2 minutes and would last for a little over a minute each. One of my precious nurses came in and said the doctor said she wouldn't stop my labor but wanted to give me a "cocktail" to try and calm me down. It was a morphine shot, morphine in my iv, ambien, vistaril, and phenergan. She gave me that same cocktail THREE times in SEVEN hours!  I BEGGED for someone to check me, going as far as telling them I would sign a waiver saying I wouldn't sue if I got an infection. The doctor REFUSED. She wouldn't let them touch me!! So, I had my wonderful nurses taking turns coming in, counting through contractions with me, rubbing my back, doing anything they could to try and make me comfortable.

I kept requesting an epidural but this same *wonderful* doctor said I wasn't allowed to have one with my pre-existing back condition. Well, I had news for her. I had that same "pre-existing"  back condition when I had both the boys and I was ABLE to have an epidural with both of them. My nurses called and told her that (cause, yea, she NEVER ONCE even came into the hospital!) and I never heard about the epidural again.

L&D came to my room 3 separate times to "check me" but weren't given the okay to do so until the 2nd time around. I was dilated to 2 and 80% effaced. I just remember sobbing, screaming, and telling my nurses it was too early for her to come. I kept asking them to stop my labor even though I knew they couldn't. I called James at 4:40 in the morning on the 16th to tell him what was going on. I don't remember much of the conversation ... I know I told him to pack a bag for the boys and try and find someone to watch the boys. He asked if he needed to go to the hospital right then (since we live an hour away) but my nurses (speaking from my doctor) said no.

The pain was becoming excruciating and all I could focus on was keeping her IN. You know, normally you have to focus on pushing. No, not with Reagan. All of a sudden I felt horrid pressure and told my nurse. She called L&D again (yet again, there were no orders for them to check me so the L&D nurse told my night nurse to call the doc. and tell her to either get her butt in there or she was going to check me against orders.) The nurse went ahead and checked me and I was at 7.5 and 100% effaced. It was a mad dash in my room from that point. They had to take me off the bed in my room and put me on a different bed. To tell you what a huge rush it was, one of  my amazing nurses, Annie, broke her thumb trying to pull the bed rail down during all of it.

They ran me to L&D, looking for a room ... cause, when you've been in labor in the hospital for 20 hours they'll have a room for you, right??! WRONG! They put me in a medical supply room!!! Then again, they made me change beds, this time to a bed with NO rails. Yea, really smart thinking. My precious nurse, Mandi, had been my nurse that night and stayed with me while I delivered Reagan. She mentioned to one of the other nurses there were no rails and the other nurse said there was nothing she could do. Mandi told me just to hold on to her ... I remember screaming I couldn't hold her in anymore and everyone yelling at me to keep her in longer. I just physically couldn't do it...  Next thing I knew my beautiful baby was born onto the bed. Yes, you read that right ... the bed. No doctor made it in time to deliver Reagan. There was some doctor who ran in and put scrubs on as I was delivering her ... but didn't make it in time for her to be born into his hands. I remember him running over, cutting her cord, and handing her off to someone else.

Wow, I'm only half way done and I can't see through the tears. Why does this have to be so stinkin' hard????? I can't write more tonight ..


  1. My heart is breaking with you, dear one. Praying for you daily....

  2. Lynn said: praying for you that God would give you His peace and wrap His arms tightly around you. Reagan is dancing with Jesus now, don't forget that. Praying that God heals the deep wounds.

  3. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I pray for you each day. I am so sorry for your loss. Nothing I can say can take away your loss or pain but please know you are in my thoughts and prayers each day.

  4. A poem I found that made me think of you and your family. "Hang on" and know God loves you like this. He will carry you while your heart beats here. He chose you to carry your precious Reagan. Only He knows why it was for a short time. You're covered with prayer, please know that. He's with you.

    'And If I Go While You’re Still Here'
    (by Emily Dickinson)

    And if I go, while you’re still here…
    Know that I live on,
    Vibrating to a different measure
    Behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
    You will not see me,
    So you must have faith.
    I wait for the time when we can soar together again,
    Both aware of each other.
    Until then, live your life to the fullest
    And when you need me,
    Just whisper my name in your heart,
    …I will be there.

    If you hve not heard the song, "I will carry you" by selah i think you would be blessed. Lyrics below:

    There were photographs I wanted to take
    Things I wanted to show you.
    Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
    Who could love you like this? People say that I am brave but I’m not
    Truth is I’m barely hanging on
    But there’s a greater story
    Written long before me
    Because He loves you like this

    So I will carry you
    While your heart beats here
    Long beyond the empty cradle
    Through the coming years
    I will carry you
    All my life
    And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
    To carry you

    Such a short time
    Such a long road
    All this madness
    But I know
    That the silence
    Has brought me to His voice
    And He says…

    I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning.
    Walked her through the parted seas.
    Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
    Who could love her like this?

    I will carry you,
    While your heart beats here.
    Long beyond the empty cradle
    Through the coming years
    I will carry you
    All your life
    And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
    To carry you!