Wednesday, June 30, 2010

One of those days ...

Today was "one of those days" ... ya know the ones I'm talking about. Little man, Peyton, was up all throughout the night (cutting those fun molars), resulting in mommy being up with him.  When he finally decided to calm down, I went back to bed and slept really well for about 3 hours. I was then awoken to a sweet little voice saying, "Mommy, it's time to wake up. The moon went night-night and the sun is shining!" Yea, I definitely didn't want to get out of bed. So, being the tired mommy I was, I did the big "no no" and let Cam watch cartoons in our bed while I attempted to get some more sleep. I would fall asleep only to be awoken by him playing with my hair (aka - yanking my hair out), rolling on my face, jumping on the bed ... ya know, the normal stuff. Then my cell phone was ringing off the hook. Who would know I was so popular?! ;)

Peyton woke up drenched in pee. I'm not just talking his diaper ... we're talking from the top of his pj's to pretty much the bottom. He wears night time diapers ... the kid obviously has some great functioning kidneys! Praise God!!! So, lucky guy got a morning bath, too! I got him dressed, fed him breakfast, and no sooner did I feed him one bite and he had jelly on his outfit. Smart thinking on my end to dress him FIRST and then feed him. I'm going to blame the no thinking part on lack of sleep ... so just go with me on it! :) Oh well! I had a doctors appointment in an hour so we had to get scottin.

No sooner did I get in the bath when P took a cup (compliments of his brother; it was the big gulp kind) He filled up the whole cup and dumped it on his head.  He was now SOAKED and we had to leave in 15 minutes. After the dumping incident, he was taking anything he could find under my bathroom counter and throwing it in the bathtub, even with me constantly telling him sternly "NO". Yea, the kid's not phased! ;) As I was getting out of the bath, I noticed that the song on the radio was one I had never heard before. It's always on the same station, Air 1 (a christian station), so I was thinking to myself, "Hmm, starting to add in Spanish songs, too, eh?" before I realized my cleaning lady changed the channel the day before while she was here cleaning. I had just gone my whole bath without realizing I was listening to Latino music!!!! Seriously, folks ... the radio was loud. That just goes to show what chaos was going on in my bathroom! ;)

We went to our appointments - one of which they specifically told me NOT to use my GPS because it would get me lost. They said to use their directions so, being the good person that I am, I listened. Man, what was I thinking?!?! My GPS was RIGHT and their directions were SOOOOOOOO off! I love driving circles in the middle of no where! ;) After our appointments, we ran our errands, and made it home without too much mayhem.

When we got home the boys were exhausted and in desparate need of naps. I changed P's diaper and was about to take him to bed when the phone rang.  I let him play on the floor for a minute while I was on the phone. No sooner did I put him down and I could smell the most awful smell ever. I was trying to concentrate on the person on the phone but, y'all, it was just nasty. Cam came running over to me informing me that Peyton had pooped and it was "horrible". Oh goodness. Then there was laundry to do, dishes to be washed, dinner to be made, toys to be picked up, and all the other stuff a mommy does ... but I'm thankful for it all. I'm thankful that I'm ABLE to do it all!

Well, this was my day .... but I'm thankful for it. I'm thankful for healthy kids who drive me crazy. I'm thankful they're healthy to where they CAN drive me crazy! :) We're blessed!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Forgiveness ...

To be honest, I wasn't planning on posting tonight. So much happened tonight at our meeting ... so much was said. I was going to crawl in bed and pass out ... but then I thought of y'all - the people who have been praying for us and encouraging us for months now and wanted to let y'all know what happened. A LOT was said ... so I am going to give y'all the edited version. James says it's not possible for me to give "edited" versions ... so we shall see! :)

Our meeting was scheduled for 5:15 in one of the conference rooms of the hospital. James and I got there 15 minutes early with no clue of how to get where we were supposed to be. One of my  nurses, Liza, was in the lobby (she actually didn't recognize me at first with makeup!) and gave me a hug. She asked how I was doing and then called the nursing supervisor to find out where we were supposed to be going. Karen, head of L&d, came down and took us to the room where we would be meeting. Since we were early, Dr. C and Mandy (my nurse) still weren't there. I was disappointed to find out that Annie, one of my other nurses that was going to be there, couldn't make it at last minute. They said she felt so bad and really wanted to be there. Normally I would feel like they were probably just making an excuse but Annie's just not like that ... she's just plain wonderful. We talked with all the supervisors for about 15 minutes ... actually, James did more talking than I did. Every time I heard the door open my heart would skip a beat. I was terrified it was Dr. C. James sensed how anxious I was and suggested we move seats to where we were no where near her when she walked in the room. I was really thankful he did that ... I wanted to be as far away from her as possible.

The time came, just a little after 5:15. I heard that peppy voice. Honestly, the woman must have been a cheerleader in high school. I'm not meaning that ugly, I promise I'm not ... she just has one of those voices. I looked at James, he could see the terror in my eyes, then terror soon becoming tears. He scooted his chair closer to mine to try and reassure me it was okay. Dr. C and Mandy walked in the room at the same time, Mandy sitting next to James, Dr. C across the room. They informed us this was our meeting, to start however we would like. I just blurted out, "I am so angry with you. I have never hurt so bad in my life." Just with those two sentences my face was filled with tears, my lips trembling, and words were almost impossible to speak. She simply said, "Okay, sure." It meant nothing to her ... it was as though I told her the sky was blue. I told her exactly how I felt ... nothing that I haven't written on here. I never once yelled or raised my voice, but I did sob. She seemed so cold and as though she didn't care. She went round and round with us. Telling us that she was "almost certain" if she would have come in and checked me while I was in labor I would have wound up in the OR. She said that their practice has never seen a patient so selfless; a patient who would endure so much pain, make so many life changes, and just go above and beyond for a baby who had been given such grim chances. It wasn't that she was paying me a compliment ... it was more of an insult, or so it seemed.

James straight up asked her what all medication she gave me and her answer was "extreme amounts of morphine." He asked her again and I cut her off by saying, "AND ambien, phenergan,  and vistaril." She agreed, saying that I had a ton of drugs in me, to the point where she started to worry about what it was doing to "the baby."  She kept going on her soap box, saying she purposely lives within walking distance of the hospital so she can get there in emergencies. I was in labor for 19 hours and 19 minutes. Please tell me how that isn't an emergency when you're not even 29 weeks?!  I asked why she wouldn't come to the hospital to even talk to me or to check me and she kept going back to "you wanted everything to be done for her and we would have wound up in the OR if I would have come." James got beyond frustrated and laid it out for her, explaining that all she needed to do was to come to the hospital and talk to us about how she was handling my labor. This whole time she's saying, "Yea, sure." At one point James said, "Don't say 'sure', say you should have come!! You should have made those decisions with us, not by yourself!"  She FINALLY said, "I could have come." Not, SHOULD, but COULD.

She kept going back to the fact that if she would have come in that night I would have gone to the OR for an emergency Classic (up and down) c-section. I'm positive I wouldn't. Want to know why?  If she would have walked in my room and told me that they were only going to do it to get me out of pain I would have said HECK NO. I broke down bawling and told her that I will do ANYTHING for my kids. If it meant that I had to go through the most horrid labor ever with Reagan, so be it. I did it and I would do it again if I had to. Dr. C said she had never seen such an excruating labor as mine and didn't know if she came in my room that night if she would have been able to continue and let me labor in so much pain. Last I checked, that would have been my decision to make. Yes, I had never felt pain like that before in my life (they said a lot of the pain was because of the herniated discs) but, if she would have come and talked to me saying the meds could be hurting Reagan, I would have told them to take me off everything that very second. My kids are my world. If you know me, you know that's the truth.

At the end, I looked her in the eye and told her that I've allowed to her steal too much of my joy, I've let her consume my life the past 2 months and I was done with it. I've been so angry with her, but I choose to forgive her. I forgive the pain she's caused. The hurt is still there ... it's definitely still there ... but only time will heal that. I don't like her, but I love her. She smiled and then was very quick to get out of the room. Mandy gave me a huge hug and we were able to talk some .... and that was our meeting.

I'm not reading back through this, I don't want to go through it again. So, please forgive me if it makes no sense, has major run ons, has horrible grammar, etc. I really don't plan on reading through this ever again ... so, if it has errors, please try and read over them! :)

Thank y'all for caring, thank y'all for your support. And thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers for today. Y'all thought I was kidding when I was talking about cancelling. I wasn't. But God got ahold of my heart and showed me how badly I needed this. Thank you for loving us ...

Monday, June 21, 2010

Tomorrow is the day ...

I thought time would drag before the 22nd got here ... I thought I would have all the time in the world to write down what I wanted to say to this woman. It didn't, I didn't. Tomorrow is the day. The day I am so badly dreading. A huge part of me is wanting to cancel this meeting. I don't want to see this woman; I don't want to be at the hospital; I don't want to breathe in the all-too-familiar smell of this hospital that brought so much pain. But then I remember ... it wasn't ALL bad. I was able to get to know my baby girl for those days I laid in that bed. The fact she knew when the monitor was coming and would decide to "run" from it ... :). That I was able to birth her naturally and hold her perfect 2 pound 12 oz body in my arms. I was drugged beyond imagination but, only by Gods grace, I remember EVERY second with Reagan. I don't remember much of that night ... but I remember our time with her!!
  I also had some amazing nurses at this hospital. Actually, for those who know me, this probably won't surprise you at all ... but I actually made friends with my housekeepers. :) Great nurses, CNA's, Housekeepers ... they made those 40+ days do-able. They were shoulders to cry on when the reality of what we were facing was just too much. They came in and talked about life ... their life, my life, our families ... they were friends ... not just my nurses. They came in and stole my candy and snacks from care packages, my VS PINK lotion (no joke, they were in my room constantly stealing my lotion!:) ... I say that because they were comfortable with me. They knew it was okay ... we were friends. If you know me, I'm sarcastic as all get out but have such a sensitive heart. These women touched my heart in a way that I can never pay back. They will always hold such a special place in my heart and I pray they know what blessings they were to me. Two of those amazing nurses are going to be in this meeting with us tomorrow. Not because they have to be ... but because they want to support James and I.  Seriously, folks ... they work with this doctor every day and they are going to be in there to support US! Thank you, God, for blessings all around.

This is the last time we'll every see this woman and I WILL forgive her. My flesh wants her to hurt like I do but I am SO TIRED of hurting. I know healing won't come until I can let go of this anger ... until I can forgive Dr. C. She's taken so much from my family and it stops here, it stops now. I'm going to speak my peace with her tomorrow; I'm going to tell her the pain she's caused. Please pray for us like you've never prayed before. I want to go in there screaming and yelling at her but, if I do, it makes me no better than her. Please pray for peace, wisdom ... please pray for Christ to speak through us instead of James and I speaking in our flesh. The thought of seeing her brings tears to my eyes, makes my heart race, and makes me feel like I am going to throw up. I have truly never hurt like this and I NEED peace ...

Saturday, June 12, 2010


Wow, folks. I added the tracker last night, not because I was in desperate need of knowing how many people were visiting our site, it was simply because I thought it was neat to see how many people are reading about our Reagan. It does my heart good to know that y'all, (and please forgive me for constantly referring to you guys as y'all but, one: I'm a southern girl and, 2: I'm almost certain I don't personally know many of you ... however, I am beyond grateful for each and every one of you!!!!!) care about our sweet girl and want to know how we're doing. What love we've been shown; by smiles, shoulders to cry on; meals brought to us; cards; gifts; phone calls; prayer rings beautifully decorated; friends flying cross country to be with us; friends making Reagan's programs and announcements; emails; Reagan's baby book made for us; a necklace made just for Reagan that I wear every day; and I could keep going on and on and on. If you are reading this, YOU are such a blessing to our family. I may not personally know you but we've definitely felt your prayers throughout the months and are humbled you would take your time out for us. THANK YOU!!!

Now, it's time to go get the sick little man. Daddy goes to work and suddenly everyone becomes so needy. I wouldn't have it any other way, though! My little (and big) men are my world and I am more and more in love with them everyday!! And our little girl, well, she's the jewel of my eye ... watching down on us until we're with her again ...

Friday, June 11, 2010

For Once, I'm at a loss for words ...

Thursday morning I received a phone call; the voice on the other end of the phone was one I knew very well, one which has brought much comfort on many occasions. It was our beloved Dr. V. His opening line, "Lauren, It's Dr. V. How are you doing, my dear?" Such love, such concern ... such peace. He was just calling to see how we were doing. That's it. No strings attached; nothing else. Very much unlike his partner, Dr. C.

Three weeks ago I called their office in need of a prescription refill. The receptionist told me it would get approved by the doctor and then get sent off to the pharmacy. Imagine my shock when the phone rang, caller id showing the name of their practice, two hours later (their office should have been closed). I hesitantly answered the phone to a voice that made my blood pressure rise to unhealthy levels. It was her ... THE doctor. I could hear that big ole' smile on her face again, and the uncertainty in her mind as to why I was so apprehensive to talk to her. She told me that normally doctors don't call back on prescription refills but she really wanted to talk to me. Oh, how sweet of her ...

Dr. C said she had been thinking about me a lot; thinking about my case, how much she's learned and the things she should have done differently. I immediately jumped down her throat. The right thing to do? Probably not. I kinda laughed at her ... that she said she learned so much from our case. SERIOUSLY?! She did NOTHING! She asked me to meet with her, one on one. She wanted to have an informal meeting where I could tell her exactly how I felt; I told her I couldn't promise not to yell and scream and she said that was perfectly fine and totally understandable. The word "lawsuit" got brought up ... I told her if we were any different we would be suing her for every cent she has but we're just not like that. Money won't bring our baby girl back. I DON'T care about her money. I just can't stomach the thought of her touching another baby or pregnant woman. God has to work on my heart. She said she would have her nurse call me the following Monday to schedule a day for us to meet. Well, do you think she called? NO, SHE DIDN'T!!!!!!!!! I was SICK about it. She just wanted to make sure we weren't going to sue her (cause she knows we have complete grounds) and then blew us off.

So, now I'm back to Dr. V. I shouldn't have ... but I did. He asked how I was doing. I got upset, really upset. I told him about Dr. C. What she did to us in the hospital, how she called and then never called back, etc. I told him how disgusted I was with her and how I was just going to sit down and write her a letter. I told him I couldn't do it now because it was going to be the most hateful/hurtful thing I have ever written in my life. He said, "WRITE IT!" "Write it now ... if you don't feel comfortable sending it, keep it on your desk for a week. Re-write it from the original. Keep doing that until you feel it's right and then send it. She needs to know how you feel." We spoke for 20 minutes. He is such a genuine man. One of those men that walks in the room and brings immediate peace. Someone you know you can trust with not just your life, but also your children's. He goes above and beyond for his patients and I have never been more impressed with a doctor. His last words to me with our conversation were, "I really hope to see you and James again, my dear. Please tell James I said Hello."

Well, another huge shock was when I got a call yesterday from the hospital where I delivered Reagan. It was the head of L&D calling me. Apparently Dr. V went to her and made sure there WOULD be a meeting with Dr. C and us with hospital leadership there. I wasn't sure about this "meeting" ... I could go the rest of my life without seeing her face and it would still be too soon. I know so many people say that but I completely mean it. I have been praying and praying for God to help me forgive this woman ... to give me guidance, wisdom, forgiveness ... and then this opportunity pops up. Is it going to be hard? I can only imagine. We will be back at the hospital I spent nearly 40 days in, where Reagan was born, where Reagan passed away ... but I know that, with God's grace, we'll be okay. Two of my precious nurses are going to be in the meeting with us for support and I can't thank them enough for that.

Our meeting is the 22nd at 5:15. Please pray for our hearts leading up to this meeting and please pray for us during this meeting. I need to get how I feel out. I can't live like this forever but I also have to show her love. How do I show her love when I absolutely can't stand the woman?!?! This is my struggle and would truly cherish your prayers!!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Snugglin' Reagan's 'Kitty Cat' ... because it somehow makes me feel better ...

We're slowly on the mend to everyone being healthy again ... we've definitely had a run for it! And, just because I hold nothing back on here (well, if you really get down to it, in life!) I've been struggling bad this week. I've been so depressed ... like the kind of depressed where you lay in bed with your kids until you HAVE to get out of bed for something, depressed. The boys watch cartoons and we play in our bed ... and they LOVE it (because it's something new to them) ... but it makes me feel like the worst mom in the world. Lifting my head requires more energy than I have these past few days. What the heck is wrong with me?????

I struggle with ADD and my doctor put me on a new medication on Friday. I told him my history with ritatlin and how it was HORRIBLE for me. He said he wanted to try me on Concerta and said the only differences in Adderall and Concerta were how long they lasted. No joke .... within hours of taking the stuff, I had hit rock bottom. I kept taking it through the weekend, bawling the whole time. Called the clinic first thing Monday morning and told them I couldn't take it anymore and the nurse said the doctor would call me back later in the day. I did my research that day on the medication AND it turns out that Concerta is ritalin based! SERIOUSLY?! I was soooooo upset! So, once I get out of this HORRIBLE funk, I will start writing again.  Honestly, I haven't felt like this since we lost our precious baby girl... it's bad. I would really appreciate prayers! Love y'all! :)

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Ack! I'm horrible ...

So, my whole thing of "posting once a week" didn't exactly work out this past week. Things have been crazy; babies have been sick; this momma had a (not so) fun trip to the er and (daily) trips to the clinic on base for a week; and now Peyton has some nasty virus. I haven't forgotten, I promise!

My GOAL is to post more tonight once my little men are in bed ... we'll see how that works out! Thanks for y'alls patience and continued prayers, support and encouragement. It's still so hard to believe our baby girl is gone ... but we're thankful for our time with her, thankful that God's plan and vision is bigger AND better than ours, and excited for the things to come.