Tomorrow is the day ...

I thought time would drag before the 22nd got here ... I thought I would have all the time in the world to write down what I wanted to say to this woman. It didn't, I didn't. Tomorrow is the day. The day I am so badly dreading. A huge part of me is wanting to cancel this meeting. I don't want to see this woman; I don't want to be at the hospital; I don't want to breathe in the all-too-familiar smell of this hospital that brought so much pain. But then I remember ... it wasn't ALL bad. I was able to get to know my baby girl for those days I laid in that bed. The fact she knew when the monitor was coming and would decide to "run" from it ... :). That I was able to birth her naturally and hold her perfect 2 pound 12 oz body in my arms. I was drugged beyond imagination but, only by Gods grace, I remember EVERY second with Reagan. I don't remember much of that night ... but I remember our time with her!!
  I also had some amazing nurses at this hospital. Actually, for those who know me, this probably won't surprise you at all ... but I actually made friends with my housekeepers. :) Great nurses, CNA's, Housekeepers ... they made those 40+ days do-able. They were shoulders to cry on when the reality of what we were facing was just too much. They came in and talked about life ... their life, my life, our families ... they were friends ... not just my nurses. They came in and stole my candy and snacks from care packages, my VS PINK lotion (no joke, they were in my room constantly stealing my lotion!:) ... I say that because they were comfortable with me. They knew it was okay ... we were friends. If you know me, I'm sarcastic as all get out but have such a sensitive heart. These women touched my heart in a way that I can never pay back. They will always hold such a special place in my heart and I pray they know what blessings they were to me. Two of those amazing nurses are going to be in this meeting with us tomorrow. Not because they have to be ... but because they want to support James and I.  Seriously, folks ... they work with this doctor every day and they are going to be in there to support US! Thank you, God, for blessings all around.

This is the last time we'll every see this woman and I WILL forgive her. My flesh wants her to hurt like I do but I am SO TIRED of hurting. I know healing won't come until I can let go of this anger ... until I can forgive Dr. C. She's taken so much from my family and it stops here, it stops now. I'm going to speak my peace with her tomorrow; I'm going to tell her the pain she's caused. Please pray for us like you've never prayed before. I want to go in there screaming and yelling at her but, if I do, it makes me no better than her. Please pray for peace, wisdom ... please pray for Christ to speak through us instead of James and I speaking in our flesh. The thought of seeing her brings tears to my eyes, makes my heart race, and makes me feel like I am going to throw up. I have truly never hurt like this and I NEED peace ...