We're slowly on the mend to everyone being healthy again ... we've definitely had a run for it! And, just because I hold nothing back on here (well, if you really get down to it, in life!) I've been struggling bad this week. I've been so depressed ... like the kind of depressed where you lay in bed with your kids until you HAVE to get out of bed for something, depressed. The boys watch cartoons and we play in our bed ... and they LOVE it (because it's something new to them) ... but it makes me feel like the worst mom in the world. Lifting my head requires more energy than I have these past few days. What the heck is wrong with me?????
I struggle with ADD and my doctor put me on a new medication on Friday. I told him my history with ritatlin and how it was HORRIBLE for me. He said he wanted to try me on Concerta and said the only differences in Adderall and Concerta were how long they lasted. No joke .... within hours of taking the stuff, I had hit rock bottom. I kept taking it through the weekend, bawling the whole time. Called the clinic first thing Monday morning and told them I couldn't take it anymore and the nurse said the doctor would call me back later in the day. I did my research that day on the medication AND it turns out that Concerta is ritalin based! SERIOUSLY?! I was soooooo upset! So, once I get out of this HORRIBLE funk, I will start writing again. Honestly, I haven't felt like this since we lost our precious baby girl... it's bad. I would really appreciate prayers! Love y'all! :)
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Ack! I'm horrible ...
So, my whole thing of "posting once a week" didn't exactly work out this past week. Things have been crazy; babies have been sick; this momma had a (not so) fun trip to the er and (daily) trips to the clinic on base for a week; and now Peyton has some nasty virus. I haven't forgotten, I promise!
My GOAL is to post more tonight once my little men are in bed ... we'll see how that works out! Thanks for y'alls patience and continued prayers, support and encouragement. It's still so hard to believe our baby girl is gone ... but we're thankful for our time with her, thankful that God's plan and vision is bigger AND better than ours, and excited for the things to come.
My GOAL is to post more tonight once my little men are in bed ... we'll see how that works out! Thanks for y'alls patience and continued prayers, support and encouragement. It's still so hard to believe our baby girl is gone ... but we're thankful for our time with her, thankful that God's plan and vision is bigger AND better than ours, and excited for the things to come.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I'm Finally doing this ...
Today, May 26th, was the day I was scheduled to have our Reagan. She would have been 34 weeks today and doctors didn't think it would be safe to allow her to stay in the womb any longer. Well, y'all already know that she didn't make it to today ... she's celebrating with Jesus, instead!
I figured that I have been putting off writing this for as long as possible. I just have to suck it up, quit trying to protect this doctor, and not worry if I come off vulnerable. This is hard for me to think about (I think about this 24/7 but always random thoughts.) Bare with me ...
I went to the bathroom at 11:40 on Thursday morning, April 15th, when I started bleeding. I walked back to my bed (stupid me should have just pulled the cord in the bathroom) and called for my nurse telling them I was bleeding. 3 nurses ran in my room in no time, put me on the monitors, looked and checked for blood, but we're allowed to check me. Since I was ruptured, doctors/nurses weren't allowed to check me at all my whole time there.
Contractions started in around 11:45. They were painful but nothing I couldn't bare. My nurses were telling me Reagan looked great on the monitor and wasn't showing any stress when I had contractions. The contractions continued throughout the day, gradually getting worse. Around 6:00 that night they were really getting painful. I stuck it out until around 8 before I was literally screaming with every contraction. Now, before you think I'm a total wimp, let me say this ... I've had 2 other kids, had both of them vaginally, and never once screamed while in pain. I was even on strong petocin with Cam and that stuff hurts! So, for me to be screaming this time around HAD to mean something. They were coming every 2 minutes and would last for a little over a minute each. One of my precious nurses came in and said the doctor said she wouldn't stop my labor but wanted to give me a "cocktail" to try and calm me down. It was a morphine shot, morphine in my iv, ambien, vistaril, and phenergan. She gave me that same cocktail THREE times in SEVEN hours! I BEGGED for someone to check me, going as far as telling them I would sign a waiver saying I wouldn't sue if I got an infection. The doctor REFUSED. She wouldn't let them touch me!! So, I had my wonderful nurses taking turns coming in, counting through contractions with me, rubbing my back, doing anything they could to try and make me comfortable.
I kept requesting an epidural but this same *wonderful* doctor said I wasn't allowed to have one with my pre-existing back condition. Well, I had news for her. I had that same "pre-existing" back condition when I had both the boys and I was ABLE to have an epidural with both of them. My nurses called and told her that (cause, yea, she NEVER ONCE even came into the hospital!) and I never heard about the epidural again.
L&D came to my room 3 separate times to "check me" but weren't given the okay to do so until the 2nd time around. I was dilated to 2 and 80% effaced. I just remember sobbing, screaming, and telling my nurses it was too early for her to come. I kept asking them to stop my labor even though I knew they couldn't. I called James at 4:40 in the morning on the 16th to tell him what was going on. I don't remember much of the conversation ... I know I told him to pack a bag for the boys and try and find someone to watch the boys. He asked if he needed to go to the hospital right then (since we live an hour away) but my nurses (speaking from my doctor) said no.
The pain was becoming excruciating and all I could focus on was keeping her IN. You know, normally you have to focus on pushing. No, not with Reagan. All of a sudden I felt horrid pressure and told my nurse. She called L&D again (yet again, there were no orders for them to check me so the L&D nurse told my night nurse to call the doc. and tell her to either get her butt in there or she was going to check me against orders.) The nurse went ahead and checked me and I was at 7.5 and 100% effaced. It was a mad dash in my room from that point. They had to take me off the bed in my room and put me on a different bed. To tell you what a huge rush it was, one of my amazing nurses, Annie, broke her thumb trying to pull the bed rail down during all of it.
They ran me to L&D, looking for a room ... cause, when you've been in labor in the hospital for 20 hours they'll have a room for you, right??! WRONG! They put me in a medical supply room!!! Then again, they made me change beds, this time to a bed with NO rails. Yea, really smart thinking. My precious nurse, Mandi, had been my nurse that night and stayed with me while I delivered Reagan. She mentioned to one of the other nurses there were no rails and the other nurse said there was nothing she could do. Mandi told me just to hold on to her ... I remember screaming I couldn't hold her in anymore and everyone yelling at me to keep her in longer. I just physically couldn't do it... Next thing I knew my beautiful baby was born onto the bed. Yes, you read that right ... the bed. No doctor made it in time to deliver Reagan. There was some doctor who ran in and put scrubs on as I was delivering her ... but didn't make it in time for her to be born into his hands. I remember him running over, cutting her cord, and handing her off to someone else.
Wow, I'm only half way done and I can't see through the tears. Why does this have to be so stinkin' hard????? I can't write more tonight ..
I figured that I have been putting off writing this for as long as possible. I just have to suck it up, quit trying to protect this doctor, and not worry if I come off vulnerable. This is hard for me to think about (I think about this 24/7 but always random thoughts.) Bare with me ...
I went to the bathroom at 11:40 on Thursday morning, April 15th, when I started bleeding. I walked back to my bed (stupid me should have just pulled the cord in the bathroom) and called for my nurse telling them I was bleeding. 3 nurses ran in my room in no time, put me on the monitors, looked and checked for blood, but we're allowed to check me. Since I was ruptured, doctors/nurses weren't allowed to check me at all my whole time there.
Contractions started in around 11:45. They were painful but nothing I couldn't bare. My nurses were telling me Reagan looked great on the monitor and wasn't showing any stress when I had contractions. The contractions continued throughout the day, gradually getting worse. Around 6:00 that night they were really getting painful. I stuck it out until around 8 before I was literally screaming with every contraction. Now, before you think I'm a total wimp, let me say this ... I've had 2 other kids, had both of them vaginally, and never once screamed while in pain. I was even on strong petocin with Cam and that stuff hurts! So, for me to be screaming this time around HAD to mean something. They were coming every 2 minutes and would last for a little over a minute each. One of my precious nurses came in and said the doctor said she wouldn't stop my labor but wanted to give me a "cocktail" to try and calm me down. It was a morphine shot, morphine in my iv, ambien, vistaril, and phenergan. She gave me that same cocktail THREE times in SEVEN hours! I BEGGED for someone to check me, going as far as telling them I would sign a waiver saying I wouldn't sue if I got an infection. The doctor REFUSED. She wouldn't let them touch me!! So, I had my wonderful nurses taking turns coming in, counting through contractions with me, rubbing my back, doing anything they could to try and make me comfortable.
I kept requesting an epidural but this same *wonderful* doctor said I wasn't allowed to have one with my pre-existing back condition. Well, I had news for her. I had that same "pre-existing" back condition when I had both the boys and I was ABLE to have an epidural with both of them. My nurses called and told her that (cause, yea, she NEVER ONCE even came into the hospital!) and I never heard about the epidural again.
L&D came to my room 3 separate times to "check me" but weren't given the okay to do so until the 2nd time around. I was dilated to 2 and 80% effaced. I just remember sobbing, screaming, and telling my nurses it was too early for her to come. I kept asking them to stop my labor even though I knew they couldn't. I called James at 4:40 in the morning on the 16th to tell him what was going on. I don't remember much of the conversation ... I know I told him to pack a bag for the boys and try and find someone to watch the boys. He asked if he needed to go to the hospital right then (since we live an hour away) but my nurses (speaking from my doctor) said no.
The pain was becoming excruciating and all I could focus on was keeping her IN. You know, normally you have to focus on pushing. No, not with Reagan. All of a sudden I felt horrid pressure and told my nurse. She called L&D again (yet again, there were no orders for them to check me so the L&D nurse told my night nurse to call the doc. and tell her to either get her butt in there or she was going to check me against orders.) The nurse went ahead and checked me and I was at 7.5 and 100% effaced. It was a mad dash in my room from that point. They had to take me off the bed in my room and put me on a different bed. To tell you what a huge rush it was, one of my amazing nurses, Annie, broke her thumb trying to pull the bed rail down during all of it.
They ran me to L&D, looking for a room ... cause, when you've been in labor in the hospital for 20 hours they'll have a room for you, right??! WRONG! They put me in a medical supply room!!! Then again, they made me change beds, this time to a bed with NO rails. Yea, really smart thinking. My precious nurse, Mandi, had been my nurse that night and stayed with me while I delivered Reagan. She mentioned to one of the other nurses there were no rails and the other nurse said there was nothing she could do. Mandi told me just to hold on to her ... I remember screaming I couldn't hold her in anymore and everyone yelling at me to keep her in longer. I just physically couldn't do it... Next thing I knew my beautiful baby was born onto the bed. Yes, you read that right ... the bed. No doctor made it in time to deliver Reagan. There was some doctor who ran in and put scrubs on as I was delivering her ... but didn't make it in time for her to be born into his hands. I remember him running over, cutting her cord, and handing her off to someone else.
Wow, I'm only half way done and I can't see through the tears. Why does this have to be so stinkin' hard????? I can't write more tonight ..
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
It made HER "feel better"
Okay, I'm going to vent here for a minute. Peyton had his first allergist appointment today and we had just gotten into the room with the nurse. After asking all the normal questions, doing his weight, and normal "chit chat" the nurse asked, "Are they your only two?" I didn't think twice about the question and immediately answered yes ... to no sooner correct myself by saying, "Oh my goodness ...sorry, no ... we have a little girl, too, who is in Heaven." Cameron then proceeded to tell the nurse that his baby sisters name is Reagan and she went to Heaven to be our angel. The woman didn't skip a beat, y'all. No sooner did Cam stop talking when she said, "Well, that's okay. It makes me feel better that you put it that way." Put it WHAT way?! I wanted to say, "Lady, I don't care HOW YOU FEEL! I just lost my daughter!!!!" She just kept saying over and over ,"Well that's okay. Saying she's in Heaven makes me feel better about it." I seriously could have back handed the woman and not felt a single bit of guilt for it. Now, if that makes me a bad person ... so be it. I'm not going to go through my life acting as though I only have two kids because it makes someone uncomfortable. I have 4 children ... 3 of which have physically been on this earth. 3 of which have names, have been held in my arms, who have my heart and who will ALWAYS be acknowledged. James and I have decided that we will always talk about Reagan, we will always have pictures of her in our house, the boys will know all about their sister and how amazing she is ... and, just because she isn't here on earth doesn't mean she isn't our daughter and doesn't deserve to be acknowledged.
Okay, thank you for listening to me gripe. This lady really struck a nerve in me today and I needed to get it out before we go back next week for P's allergy testing. So, please pray for my heart towards this woman. I'm sure she meant no harm ... but she really offended me. Call me hormonal or call me a Momma who misses her baby and would do anything to have her back, if only for a minute ...
Okay, thank you for listening to me gripe. This lady really struck a nerve in me today and I needed to get it out before we go back next week for P's allergy testing. So, please pray for my heart towards this woman. I'm sure she meant no harm ... but she really offended me. Call me hormonal or call me a Momma who misses her baby and would do anything to have her back, if only for a minute ...
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Promise
Okay, so .. I'm not even sure that anyone is reading this blog anymore ... BUT, if you are, First: THANK YOU! It's SO nice to know that people care enough to read my thoughts, even when it turns into total non-sense; Second: this is my promise to you ... I promise to write at least one post a week from now on. I know it doesn't seem like much, and I PLAN on writing much more than that, but it's what I can guarantee to you right now.
You see, I try planning my days out lately; I have the best of intentions to get a zillion things crossed off my "to do" list. Well, as you have probably already guessed, I get maybe one or, if I'm doing "good", two or three. By the end of the day I feel completely overwhelmed, discouraged, frustrated, and as though I'm letting people down. Then I remind myself ,"Lauren, there very well may not be anyone reading that blog anymore." But then I hear my sweet therapist in my head (yes, I'm not one to keep secrets or act like I have it all together cause we all know that's far from the truth these days. I'm not embarrassed to say it ... yes, I am going and seeing a therapist ... someone who doesn't know me from Adam, who knows nothing about my life, and who can just listen to me babble and bawl .. and, half the time, it's the UGLY cry, y'all. You know the one I'm talking about. I'm sure she gets so stinkin' excited when she sees Crazy Straub on her appointment book for the day!) telling me what a great thing a blog is for me right now. A way to get my feelings out; a place to express my pain, gut-wrenching anger, hurts, frustrations, and confusion; along with joy, love, forgiveness, understanding ...
So, I would absolutely love for you to stick around. Hear Reagan's story. In the next week I WILL tell about her birth. That's where the horrid anger comes in. The anger that I am in such desperate need of prayers for. I have never felt this amount of dislike, disgust ... I can't talk about it right now or anger will come in and I will say things that shouldn't be said. Things that aren't of God and things that I REFUSE to let Satan put in my head. But, yes ... I will tell Reagan's birth story this week. Please come back and read. It's going to be hard to write ... and I would love the support knowing y'all are reading.
You see, I try planning my days out lately; I have the best of intentions to get a zillion things crossed off my "to do" list. Well, as you have probably already guessed, I get maybe one or, if I'm doing "good", two or three. By the end of the day I feel completely overwhelmed, discouraged, frustrated, and as though I'm letting people down. Then I remind myself ,"Lauren, there very well may not be anyone reading that blog anymore." But then I hear my sweet therapist in my head (yes, I'm not one to keep secrets or act like I have it all together cause we all know that's far from the truth these days. I'm not embarrassed to say it ... yes, I am going and seeing a therapist ... someone who doesn't know me from Adam, who knows nothing about my life, and who can just listen to me babble and bawl .. and, half the time, it's the UGLY cry, y'all. You know the one I'm talking about. I'm sure she gets so stinkin' excited when she sees Crazy Straub on her appointment book for the day!) telling me what a great thing a blog is for me right now. A way to get my feelings out; a place to express my pain, gut-wrenching anger, hurts, frustrations, and confusion; along with joy, love, forgiveness, understanding ...
So, I would absolutely love for you to stick around. Hear Reagan's story. In the next week I WILL tell about her birth. That's where the horrid anger comes in. The anger that I am in such desperate need of prayers for. I have never felt this amount of dislike, disgust ... I can't talk about it right now or anger will come in and I will say things that shouldn't be said. Things that aren't of God and things that I REFUSE to let Satan put in my head. But, yes ... I will tell Reagan's birth story this week. Please come back and read. It's going to be hard to write ... and I would love the support knowing y'all are reading.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day
Well, Baby Girl ... I did it. I made it through my first holiday without you here. Crazy how the first holiday after your big brother, Peyton, was born was also Mother's day. Goodness ... how emotions with the same holiday are so different in just a year.
Your Daddy gave me a big hug this morning and wished me a Happy Mother's Day. I just fell in his arms and cried. How I wish it was different; I wish I was holding you in the crook of my arm, nursing you, snuggling your precious little body. I cried because I know God has allowed for it to be this way. Not to hurt us, but because His ways are greater than ours. He has a plan and a purpose for all of this pain ... I don't understand it right now ... I pray I eventually will.
I'm sure you already know and, I'm not proud about this but... Mommy has had many screaming matches with God lately. I want to know "WHY???" Why did He have to take you?? He has so many angels, why did he need the little girl who fought so hard to be here ... who was wanted SO badly by her mommy and daddy?? Half the time I feel like He just lets me scream. He just takes it. He loves me and he understands my pain. He hurts with me. He reminds me you were a GIFT. My heavens, what a gift you were!!!! My initial response was, "Okay, so you gave us this amazing gift and then took her back?!" but that's far from the case, baby girl. You're with me everywhere I go. YOU, Reagan Grace, have changed my outlook on life. YOU have made me a better mommy. YOU have made me a better wife. YOU have made me grateful for the things I always took for granted. Through YOU, God has shown me that, even though God may not answer our prayers the way we're asking, doesn't mean He's not working. Thousands fervently prayed for your earthly healing for months. It was our human desire for you to be here ... but, it wasn't what God had in store for your precious life. Although you weren't healed on this earth, you are now PERFECT in every way! You are free of all pain, you no longer have to worry about lungs or kidneys functioning ... you're healed! YOU ARE, and FOREVER WILL BE, MY BABY GIRL!
Mommy loves you, Reagan ...
Friday, May 7, 2010
Perfection
Since these are the only pictures we'll ever have of our baby girl, James and I have chosen to keep some pictures of Reagan to ourselves, but would love to share the some of the others with y'all.
I promise to write more this weekend. Thanks for being so patient with me ...
I promise to write more this weekend. Thanks for being so patient with me ...
Okay, I lied. I just spent a good 40 minutes going through all the pictures and choosing which ones to upload. It said it was uploading all of them and only uploaded this one. Man, how frustrating. Praise God! :) I'll go through them again in the morning.
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